392. - Chris & Jason

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. Chris Black coming live to you from beautiful Atlanta, Georgia country. Chris Mode is engaged. Jason, how are you? I'm on day two of a little bit of a hangover from the Emily Oberg book release party. I'm getting through it, though. I was crushed to miss that. I heard rave reviews. I heard there were french fries available, and Emily paid the whole bill, which is really nice of her. It was very nice of her. It was a business expense, I'm assuming. Of course, of course. No, it was on the Platinum Business MX, not the Personal. I just got a new MX card. Actually, this is not a plug, but I got one that has flowers on it. How do you feel about that, Chris? Oh, damn. I didn't know they did a Hockney edition. No, it's less Hockney, and it's more just like... Like your aunt painted some flowers. So you got the anti-mex? I got the anti, yes. I was just told by my partner that I'm getting it. So that's why I have it. It's just sitting on my desk. I don't know what to do with it. Are you talking about your Amex partner or your personal, like your life partner? Great question. Important distinction, my life partner. Because when I call Amex for help, I refer to them as partner just so they feel kind of a little more uplifted and maybe that will help them. help me right you you you you use their speak and it kind of helps they're like oh he's one of us exactly they're one of us yeah yeah exactly um but yeah i'm in uh i'm in atl uh and um it was a real journey to get here jason and it was some

kind of some southern stuff that got me fucked up you know what i mean okay so some southern stuff does when does that start because you leave lax you hop on the 4 a.m flights i mean what what's the opposite of a red eye that's what you take sure sure sure it's a beautiful clear blue eye for me um so i'm on the blue eye i'm on the blue eye at 7 15 thanks to my japanese eye drops and um The flight is fine. You know what I mean? I use the Wi-Fi. I'm very productive. Fine. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. The problem with any flight leaving from LAX that isn't going to JFK is that the crowd isn't hot enough. That's the reality. You know what I mean? You get on that LAX plane, and it looks like it's going to the OnlyFans retreat. You know what I mean? It's different when you go to JFK. So unless you're flying directly to New York City, The plane is full of a bunch of slack-jawed yokels where you are surprised that they couldn't rub enough coins together to buy a ticket. Well, no, not even... Let alone have a device that has a QR code on it or know what a cue card is. Exactly. Well, now it's a lot of guys that work at... turner you know or netflix you know commuting so they're they're you know tapping away on their macbook pros i see the slack application open they're wearing you know like a warner brothers dad hat you know that's that's kind of the vibe it's like a it's like a cool dad in silver lake vibe but he actually lives in atlanta you know what i mean now so it's not like a toluca lake yacht club kind of vibe it's yeah yeah it's it's it's a little it's a little cooler than that but they still carry to me so it ain't that cool but anyway so i'm on the flight i don't know no shots at your at your people but i'm on the flight flight's fine i get off the flight and jason you know kind of i mean i'm not going to blame you uh but you know you have have have have kind of preached about six to car rental and how they have high-end automobiles, you know, et cetera. So I'm here. I'm in Atlanta. I'm displaced for a while due to a renovation. You're not going to put this on me, are you? I'm going to gently.

put it on you. But so I'm like, you know what? Let me check out six. I'm going to be in Atlanta for a month. You know, I want to have a nicer automobile. We might be doing some, some Southern road trips to kill some time. This would be great. Let me get it. Let me stay in the family and get a BMW five series. Okay. Price is pretty reasonable. I book it on six. I would say approximately three and a half weeks ago. Okay. I'm, I'm really, you know, I'm a prepared guy. I'm a, I'm a type a, I'm a Virgo. So I de-plane. I de-plane. I did have to check a bag, unfortunately. I got that. I did see someone from high school at baggage claim, chose not to speak to them, went straight to the rental car area. At what point have you lost your wallet yet, or is that still to come? No, the Celine card holder is safely in the pocket, and I even have my keys, which is good. kind of nice too so i so i make it to the the rental car area i take the the air train to the to the rental car area and the rental car area is teeming with people like it's like an anthill and i'm like this is a little weird this is a lot of fucking people like i know it's a friday afternoon it's like two o'clock but like you're like damn is is freak nick in town exactly what's all this mess exactly is freak nick back but luckily luckily and we'll get to this but freak nick for white people which is college football is in season yeah So I get down to the sixth counter. There's 15 employees. Two of them are working. And I approach. I say, my name is Chris Black. Here's my credit card. Here's my ID. Here's my reservation number. And the woman looks at me, and she's like, yeah, we ain't got no cars. Yeah, why'd you come here for, stupid? We don't have no cars. Yeah, literally, she looked at me like I was an idiot. And I was like, well, I mean. sure but i have a reservation like i'm sure it's fine she's like no we're out of cars sorry karen we're out of cars yeah exactly exactly and i was like what's the i lower my sunglasses and i say what's the point of having a reservation then you know and classic karen response and classic karen response and i'm holding a starbucks of course and um and she's like

Well, let me explain to you. Some cars come back and they need an oil change. And I'm like, look, I don't need you to explain to me how automobiles work. Like, I understand they need service. But I need you to explain to me why a reservation just doesn't mean anything. And she was like, I'm trying to help you. I'm like, well, you're not trying to help me. I'm like, you're not trying to help me because you're not giving me a car. So I have to, we get into a verbal altercation, of course. I keep it cool because I'm 40 now. I'm more mature. I don't yell. I don't scream. Yeah, he's built different now. I'm built different now. So then I go to a, I find a counter, a low rent rental car place, counter, someplace I've never even heard of. And I approach and I'm like, yo, the guy's upstairs at six. Fuck me, raw dog. I need a car ASAP for a month. What do you got? And she's like, this woman is very nice. And she basically starts to tell me. that it's gotten so crazy. There's guns pulled on rental car people like often because they're constantly out of cars and no one's helpful and they just don't stop accepting reservations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just take as many reservations as they can no matter how many cars they have. Well, that's how rental car companies have always been. Yes, but I think people are actually traveling now. If we don't do it this way, then our whole business model... uh fails i guess it's sort of like it's like gyms yeah yeah it's like gyms they expect you not to show up you know so i'm at this low rent car rental counter this woman's telling me stories about having shit thrown at her and luckily the covid plastic has stopped you know the latte from hitting her she's very nice And she's like, all right, I got you, sweetheart. It's going to be $3,600. And I was like, that's a lot. You're like, what color is the Bentley going to be? Yeah, I'm literally like, all right, so we got the Lambo truck. It's got rims. And she's like, you know what? Hold on, sweetheart. Hold on, sweetheart. I'm going to make you a Coca-Cola employee. We'll knock $1,000 off that, no problem. Wow. I was like, okay, this is some real ATL shit. She's looking out for me.

So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to do this because I'm at my wit's end. I haven't eaten all day. I'm kind of starting to lose it. I've got to get out of there. I have stuff to do. So I'm going to eat the extra stack. Then I walk out. I get my paperwork, and I walk out to pick out my car. A hundred people in line to get a car. And I'm starting to notice. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And then someone is polite enough to explain to me that Auburn is playing University of Pennsylvania. So all of these people are traveling to Atlanta and then renting cars and driving to Alabama. And that is the issue here. So it looks like you're in Europe in the middle of the summer. There's guys in tank tops sleeping on the floor to get a rental car. It's insane. It's insane. You know the kind of guy that travels with just a duffel bag and a tank top and shorts? There's like 40 of those guys laying on concrete. I've got a bottle opener on the bottom of my flip flops. What else do I need? Exactly. These guys are laying on concrete in a parking deck. That's how long they've been waiting. Okay, so it's giving Hurricane Katrina. It's full Katrina. And all they want to do is watch the South Carolina Gamecocks take down the... Yeah, they want to see the Ward Dam Eagles. So I'm surveying the situation. I'm looking for VIP treatment, and I realize that, Chris, you fucked up. And I said this to you yesterday in the group chat. I fucked up because rental cars are supposed to be Chevy Malibus. They're supposed to be Toyota Camrys. They're supposed to be maybe a Tahoe if you're feeling spendy. And I was too big for my britches. I thought I needed a nice car. And I learned my lesson. And I got fucked by six. And I'll never make this mistake again. I get on my Uber application. I book an SUV, and I go to an enterprise rental car off-site right near my parents' house. Smart. And guess what I leave with, Jason? Hopefully an American-made pickup truck. That's right, a beautiful Dodge Ram 1500 crew cab. Only Rams. What color? Gun metal? Exactly. I'd call it gun metal. Okay. It's the only car they have left. I've never driven a truck in my life. I get in, I turn it on, and it's just blasting 94.9, the bull, new country.

Okay, how many head of cattle can you tow in the 1,500? I could fit at least two in the back seat and two in the bed. I was talking about the trailer. I was talking about the towing capacity. Oh, that's thousands of tons, possibly. Oh, okay. So I've decided... They were like, you can bring this back next week and get a regular car, but I need to admit something to you, Jason. I think Cinderella likes how the slipper fits. The slippers fit tight, and it's nice. Is this the first time you've ever had a truck in your possession as your daily driver? I've never driven a truck in my entire life for one second. Really? That's how gay you is? That's right. You know what? I put down the dick, and I picked up. you know the rifle and it's different now and i am um i i've been cruising around i haven't changed the radio station i'm like you know what i'm going full character here if i'm going to drive a truck i'm going to listen to new country radio okay so she's going method down in atl i'm i'm going yeah i'm going daniel day lewis vibes down here okay it seems i haven't hauled anything yet but i think i might volunteer to kind of lay some pine straw or something for my parents just to get the kind of full... You said pine straw? Yeah, that's... What the fuck is pine straw? Sounds like something that the Major League Baseball has banned. You don't know what pine straw is? I mean, I could do the context clues that it's straws of pine wood. Is that near where we're at? It's a natural type of mulch. Got it. It's something that we hear in the South. Is that what they charge you 30 grand to put in front of your house and we have? Exactly. No, I wish. No. So what you would do is they would deliver [redacted address] them where they need to be. But then if you're a real one, you get out there and you spread it yourself by hand. That's right. I ain't no pussy. Exactly. I'm going to do this by hand. I'll do all my own mulching, motherfucker. Country Chris Mode is engaged. I would love all of my Atlanta local listeners to check out 94.9 The Bull. I'm learning a lot about...

country music and i even discovered kind of a backup theme song for us that i shared yeah that song it's called gone i didn't get a chance to listen to it yet honestly not bad it's d irks bentley he pronounces it dirks but i'm not you know i'm not gonna do him that service okay so his name is he he spells it d irks like dirk dirks with an ie right yeah d but he but he wants you to say it's dirks yeah and i don't think he's problematic I don't think. It's like when your friend Steve asks you to call him Steven all of a sudden. Exactly. I don't know about that, Dierks. Exactly, exactly. But the song is called Gone, so I think it's a nice backup for us just to have, and maybe we could see if we can get him on the show, probably. Is it also about when your chick goes around and starts tricking off? I mean, every country song is about beer or your chick tricking off. That's kind of the... If it's not a cold one, it's a cold heart. I'm all out of cures. Exactly. My ball and chain can't stop. sucking that truck stop dick this is it bro i'm i'm up to my last nerve i'm gonna see how long i can do this i'll probably have a week in me and then i'll take it back for the for the all-new malibu but no when i was um that reminds me when we were in uh palm springs the appalachia of california i did the same thing we didn't have a rental car because it's it's so close but Once we got there, we put on the country music station on the radio. Yeah. And we never turned the dial because it's just always there. That's right. If the commercials play, they're like funny. They're good. You know what I mean? Yeah. When the commercials play on Power 106, it's just like bail bonds and shit. And then the country station's just like, we got a carnival on Friday. It's like they live in a different universe commercial-wise. Absolutely. But it was... I'm glad that you understand why you've done this too, so you understand that it puts you in a zone. If I buy a pair of boots, I'm going to let you know. Is there a chance that you maybe one day own your own pickup truck? I don't think so.

I don't think so. It's a little... You know what the real problem is? Actually, if it was the all-new... It's a bridge too far. ...Ram 1500, if it had... It doesn't have CarPlay capabilities. That's what we're looking at. It's got a small screen. Well, if it's a GMC truck, I mean, I think the GMC family sort of recognizes that CarPlay is way too gay to ever install it. Okay, so good. Factory installed on any of their products. That's how the Japs win is sort of what their CEO would say. I would have to take it to a local chop shop to get CarPlay. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do CarPlay, but you didn't get it from me, all right? When I raise it three inches and put shocks on it, I can also get the CarPlay kind of put in. They're like, look, I'll raise it. I'll do a Baja lift on it, but I ain't no commie. I ain't going to do your airplay. You wouldn't even listen to your This American Life. Oh, you want to listen to podcasts in a truck? This thing will blow up. This is like Speed the Movie. Yeah, there's a kill switch on here. If you ever, ever listen to the daily podcast in this truck, you got 10 seconds. You ever seen the movie Speed? Kind of like that. You're all tatted up, but they're gay tats. I'm watching you, boy. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, sort of our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world... writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly. A website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools. So those future graduates can find me and, you know, I'm able to accept, quote unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new, you know, 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. You know, show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early and we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional.

as your competition, if not more. So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot. Because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you.

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Exactly. Maybe we can go while we're in Atlanta. I mean, I'll go to Atlanta for a few days. I just want to see the leaves turning, if I could be honest, selfishly. I mean, the show is good, too. But I think we should go and maybe find a couple open mics in ATL. I mean, we could do. And just kind of try out some material. It's a secret show. You know how Dave Chappelle will come up? Yeah, we could do that. I mean, I think it would be a little more disappointing than Chappelle unless. Let me talk to the comedy community here and see where the best place for us would be. I've been speaking with the comedy community. It's not like L.A. where they do shows at the laundromat. We have real venues here. There's classic comedy in Atlanta. I think maybe we could get on a black show and really see how tough we are. They're going to eat your ass up at Chocolate Sundaes, Chris. I know. Golly. I think we need to get some feedback from the local community, and Chocolate Sundaes could be for us. Yeah, yeah. We're not looking for yes people. We're looking for no people. You don't learn anything by killing. That's right. You learn by bombing. And I think if we go to one of your urban rooms, you will bomb. No, I'm happy. We could probably go do a quick 15 in Birmingham and get right out of town. Leave the Dodge running. That's what we'll tell the valet guy. I don't work valet. You and I taking the Dodge Ram 1500 to Birmingham to do 15 minutes of stand-up in an urban room is truly what dreams are made of. And if somebody from development and Hulu doesn't call us, just based on that idea, idea, then something... Hollywood is failing. You know, Hollywood is failing. Yeah, it's a tough sell for a lot of the rooms right now, but I think we could find our angle. Yeah, I think we could find our angle. But yeah, we're going to work on the show. That being said, there is a low ticket alert for the Troubadour and Brooklyn, so I'm a little upset about that, Jason, because Brooklyn... Music Hall at Williamsburg selling better than Bowery Ballroom off the rip is unfortunately proof that our wonderful listeners...

um do live in brooklyn and they not only do they live in brooklyn but they're not even willing to take the train to manhattan to have a better experience in the actual city so i'm a little confused i worry that because i did a lot of canvassing in brooklyn last week and i think me being there kind of tilted the scales over but i think the real issue is that like just literally The Brooklyn venue and the Troubadour are smaller capacity venues, so those are the ones that are going to sell out first, which is what I've been telling myself. Okay, so you did your same canvassing route you do for AOC, but just for us. You were knocking on doors. You were at the Starbucks on Bedford kind of touching skin, doing the work. I was at the Sephora on Bedford faking my own handcuffs behind my back. I was like, I did not steal this lip kit. It just landed in my bag on accident. This self-tander was in my tote when I got here, and I'm not going to stand for this bullshit. I don't even know what drunken elephant is. Get these handcuffs off of me. This is bullshit. And the line is too long. That's why I stole it. The line doesn't move fast enough. The line is too long. I don't even want your little free gift. It's trash. I don't want your little stocking stuffers. I don't even collect Sephora miles. Fuck y'all. We got to do that. The next time I'm at the Bedford Sephora. I will. I will pull out the zip ties. Whatever, you know, maybe one green, one blue as like a little dog whistle to our fans. What if I, what if I, actually, this is a good idea. You, I dress up like a security person at Sephora. I arrest you and we get it all on film kind of as a bit. Like we, maybe during the show we can cut to some pre-tapes like they do on, you know, Jimmy Kimmel. You can pretend you're dead the whole time I'm giving a speech at Sephora. Damn, I totally, I already forgot about him laying on the floor while Abbott Elementary got the Emmy. That's so, I mean, the commitment to the bit, I appreciate that. Come on, bro. I didn't watch the Emmys, but. I did. I can't imagine what context that was. Like, bro, you got to think this shit through. You know that ain't going to go over well.

You know that ain't going to go. I mean, the only thing that redeemed him is that she was on the show like that week. I bet she was already scheduled to come on, you know? Yeah. So I'm sure they made up and he apologized, but it was just like. dude no one cares like it's not only because like tom cruise called her at her house and said you have to be cool with this or else yeah exactly you swim with the fishes it's just not it's not funny enough it wasn't funny enough i mean was the was the was there like pre-context about like oh like you'll win an emmy over my dead body is like no no no it was also just as bad no it was part of the present him and him and will arnett that was the presentation like will arnett dragged him out it was like part of the joke of the of giving away the award, and he just stayed down the whole time instead of getting up. Got it, got it, got it. I don't think they thought it out. Some of these Hollywood guys, Jason, they're out of touch. No, Kimmel's the king of being out of touch. The Man Show, him and Adam Carolla have not aged well in terms of racism and stuff like that. I mean, he's aged better than Carolla. Everyone has, but you're right. It's not great. No, Kimmel used to do this impression of... carl malone i think that was quite racist yeah i forgot about yes that that came to light and wasn't great and i i guess he did a lot it was like reoccurring no he did he did do it a lot and it was not a favorable impression by any means i have to say carl carl malone the mailman he delivers i mean i'm familiar with his career and stats but also he's no i mean of all the people to choose it's not like he was like a big personality You know what I mean? From what I remember, it wasn't like he was a Jordan or even a Pippin. But those are the best impressions are like that where you kind of stumble upon it and you do like a weird voice and someone's like, oh, you kind of sound like starting center forward Carl Malone, the mailman. And you're like, you know what? I kind of do sound like that. I'm going to build my career off of this. So last night I went to my old friend Tim's wedding.

here in atlanta that's part of the reason i'm here okay and um tim and i know each other from like middle school like hardcore era it was really nice to to be around more than five guys with face tattoos that aren't rappers you know it was just it was just old hardcore guys that are now like barbers and tattoo artists like hot guys you know what i mean but literally have like cursive you know where their hairline stops and what what do those words say on those face tats do you know i tried not to get close i was a little intimidated if i'm going to be honest um you know i mean that's the whole point of getting tatted up on the face i came in my little drake suit you know looking cute and these guys were kind of you know busting out of their short sleeve tops i i had the uh had the ben davis press yeah exactly but if i got close i feel like it would have been i just it would have felt narky to read to try to read the tats but i'm sure it said something you know like Nothing gold can stay. True till death. You know, stuff along those lines. You're familiar with the kind of phrases. Yeah. My friends are my fucking family and I'll fucking kill you if you look at them. But I was also able to just reminisce with some old friends about the era of warehouse living. Warehouse living. Like lofts. style living i wouldn't say loft i would say more um industrial flop house with the roaches and rats with the roaches well in atlanta it was the it was the the warehouses there were several that were inhabited by you know punk skate hardcore, and they would do these kind of pretty good jobs, like elaborate build-outs where there'd be like six guys living in this giant warehouse. They all have nice rooms, and there'd be shows in the main area. Okay, so it's like a love it or list it for squatters is kind of the vibe. Exactly, yeah. Because I always forget that the first house I lived in was called Squaresville, which was me and five guys, and we had shows in our kitchen. Yeah, you know you're a hardcore-ass loser when you name your house. First of all, bitch. You're like, oh, this is a pretty nice house.

What's it called? And you're like, oh, I usually just... go by my address i didn't know i had first of all bitch i didn't name it was named before i lived there just to be clear that's what kappa phi said too i just can't believe that i ever lived like that so it took me back to that era of my life and i uh no the thought i mean does that mean that you're a member of mattress on the floor mafia absolutely not i always have a bed i always had a bed you know i always had a bed i'm not i was the only clean one i mean it was it was fairly clean but obviously when mastodon is playing in your kitchen it's only going to be so clean you know what i mean you know what i mean It's only going to be so clean. Did Mastodon play in your kitchen? Yeah, it was like a thing. Damn, bro. It was like a thing. I mean, yeah. That's like the Hesher version of Daft Punk's playing at my house. Yes, exactly, exactly. I mean, if you were around during that era. Mastodon is clogging my toilet. Mastodon's doing coke in my backyard that's overgrown with kudzu. Oh, nice. But, yeah, if you were around in that era, it had, like, a checkerboard floor and, like, red walls. And, like, I've met people as an adult that were like, oh, shit, you live there? Like, I've been there or my band played there. Right. Which is very strange. Very strange. You're a legend, bro. It was a nice little throwback to a different era. And I'm sure you were very grateful to be able to get in and get out where those people have to go back to their lives of having friendship tattooed on their forehead. While they're doing a bang trim. Well, unfortunately, those guys seem to be doing pretty good. You know, I think it's like, I think that if you, they all seemed pretty happy. They had wives and girlfriends. You know, they probably have like nice muscle cars. Nicer motorcycle than I have, probably. Definitely, yeah. The 71 Triumph is polished. Fucked a lot more chicks who have bangs than I do. Than I have. Yeah. There was no blunt bangs, I don't think, at the wedding. Maybe there was, and I just wasn't paying attention. But yeah, it was a good time. Congratulations to Tim and Renee. It was nice to be at a wedding that's casual. I've been to so many lately that are so serious that this was just kind of like a good time among friends, and it was relaxed, and I really appreciate that. Oh, really? Delicious.

Delicious matcha lemonade available as well. Matcha lemonade? Mm-hmm. Matcha lemonade at a casual wedding? I know. That's what I thought. And also, the green is going to stay in the lower piano, Chris. Watch out. No, I was very careful. I didn't ask for a straw, but I almost did. Okay. Well, that sounds great. I love wedding vibes and wedding season, so I'm a little jealous. I know you are. I mean, you just love to get dressed up. You look so hot in a suit, you know, so it's kind of, I get it. I need more suits ASAP. I know. Well, we can talk about, I think we should get into, we're going to get in touch with someone to dress us for our shows, I think. It's time. Yeah. Will clocks tick? and queen don't worry this is my department but i have a i also wanted to i mentioned this to you earlier but i have a little bone to pick with a certain actor that we're not going to name i'll name him her damn there's a square jawed uh hgh using actor that went from nerd to hunk recently okay and don't come for zach efron i would never know zach's the homie you know i would never do that okay he quote unquote broke his jaw uh so this actor this actor is on the hollywood reporter and he's he's the headline is actor and actor's partner on why they skipped an emmy's after party quote our covid boundaries are a lot stricter And this actor that is saying he's too careful to go to an Emmy's after party, we were recently at a party with him with at least 75 people shoulder to shoulder. He was not wearing a mask. This is bullshit. What do you think? I'm dying to know which actor you're talking about, first of all. I mean, who could it be? This person, he said, I will not skip leg day to attend an Emmy party because I am, quote, a lot stricter. Yes, exactly. But we did just see him at a house party, you know, what, a week and a half, two weeks ago? Yeah, right before the Emmy. So I'm just wondering if this posturing is going to get him some rolls or if maybe he just had a little slip up after too much 818. We caught him lacking is what it sounds like, and I guess the name of the game is blackmail. What do we do to kind of all be like, hey, Kumail, we can make this go away. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, look, as we try to break into Hollywood, and I'm also trying to break into HGH, he could be a nice friend for us to have. He's an ally. Yeah, I mean, I feel like if I approached him at the Gold's Gym in Venice and he had his fanny pack on, he would be holding and would be able to kind of hook me up. Yeah, you'll look at him, give him that knowing HGH glance, and he'll take one look at you and be like, let's take a walk for us. Let's take a walk. I give him a crisp hunch. We bump chins, and then he kind of puts a shot in my ass, and I'm over to the squat rack. No, no, no. You and Kumail coming out of the bathroom stall, both two guys at once. Like, what's going on here, fellas? Like, nothing. I got to go find some plates, though. I don't know what just happened, but I have to find the 300-pound kettlebell that looks like a gorilla's head. So I just wanted to kind of put that out there because I'm a little confused, you know, because it's – It's just interesting, is all I'll say. It's conflicting information. It's conflicting information. That's kind of, you know, since we're on the outskirts of Hollywood and I don't, you know, I'm not an insider, I feel like this is kind of our duty to talk about this stuff because no one's going to talk about it. We have the privilege. Yeah, yeah, yeah. XO, XO, them genes. No one's going to talk about it. But, I mean, once again, How Long Gone's on the front lines. We're on the front lines, narking on celebrities who have never heard of us for fake virtue signaling. about not wanting to go to an emmy party because of being a lot stricter when all he wants to do is go play his nintendo switch because he told the driver at the emmy's to keep the escalade running i got game i didn't even turn off the call of duty i'm coming right back for this like i'm not going to any parties i'm not going to win any awards you know i have to get out of here the only reason why he didn't go to the emmy parties was because he knew that there were no pokemon to catch in that area Like, I checked it out, babe. It's not worth it for us. Not tonight. We ordered quarter sheets, and the guy's on his way, so let's just get out of here. What's the fucking point, babe? What's the fucking point, babe?

Oh, God. I just had to report that kind of news. And I also want to pray for one of our homies, friend of the show, Post Malone. Posty took a tumble. First of all, Jason, I don't know if you checked out that Twitter account where I found this, but there's a great Twitter account that a friend of the show, Joe Coscarelli, put me onto. Shout out to Joe. His book's available in stores now. It's called Glock Topics with a Z. Glock Topics. That's right. It's Glock. underscore topics t-o-p-i-c-k-z i'm hard as a rock hearing the name of this instagram account glock topics on twitter told me showed me a video of post malone last night one of his giant arena shows he's he's god damn it he's obviously obviously zooted on the cookies you know what i mean and he's already smoked 150 cigarettes before his set but he's He's high-fiving fans on the catwalk. Happy as a koala bear. I mean, he's one of the top celebrities out because his attitude is good. His vocals are good. He can shred. I mean, there's nothing not to like. What he is is comfortable. That's what I like to see about him because you got Gaga on the Chromatica wearing like 11 pounds of stainless steel apparati. You're right. You got all these people wearing... skims that we can't even access, like different kind of skims that civilians don't know about. You ain't got these skims. Post Malone's wearing a hockey jersey Kevin Smith style and some Pikachu Crocs, and he's like, yeah, I'm also making a million dollars per show. And I just kind of walk around in a backing track and give people five. He was giving people five, and then there's a trap door, and he falls in the trap door, and it looks like... Post Malone might have left a couple ribbies on stage. Like he might have cracked a couple NFL style. The stage lowered their helmet. You know what I'm saying? And Post Malone is suffering. But I just want to, you know, prayers up to our guy Posty. Because I was hoping to. I want to go catch that tour just for the Zach Bia opening DJ set. I wonder what he. Because, you know, Kay Trenada opening for the weekend. Kay Trenada is like a performer. He's giving it to you. He's on this crazy like.

platform, you think Zach Bia's just got like a picnic table with a black sheet over it and a couple of CDJs? Or do you think Big Bia ponied up for the production? Well, Bia will come out of his own pocket for that. He will drop $12,500 for like a pretty impressive little rig that will travel around in a couple Pelican cases, I'm assuming. That's an expense that is worthwhile. I mean, maybe... There's probably just, yeah, it's probably just like a little wheelie, wheelie DJ set up. And then they plug into, you know, he probably has some sick ass visuals of, you know, him signing shoes or something. Do you think, yeah. Zach V is signing his record labels, A6 collaboration, just behind him the whole time. It's just a highlight reel of him signing contracts for various things. Now, you're an insider. You're a DJ world insider, veteran of the game. You've done thousands of deals for yourself and others. Both sides of the coin. What do you think V is getting for an after party in, let's say, Chicago? Okay. What do you think? Post Malone, official Post Malone after party. Zach be a DJ set. He's probably on for an hour, hour and a half. What do you think he's actually getting for that, cash-wise? I'd say like 10. 10 is a good offer. Wow. Something like that. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. No, I mean, it's perfect for him because he'll go on tour with Post Malone to 75 cities, and he's probably getting whatever it is. seven grand per show five grand a show whatever it is to to dj some music for 30 minutes and and take some pics and stuff like that and then the after party on on top of that you know he'll be able to you know clear some pretty good cash you know yeah this is by the end of the tour i'm proud of bia because i think that when you're when you're making money like him and you're popping the way he is going on tour like doesn't sound great Like it sounds unnecessary. He can make that money somewhere else is what I'm saying. Right. So for him to throw his stuff in Post Malone's private plane every night and then check into the Four Seasons in every city and make $10,000 a night.

I don't know if I could do it, you know, so I'm proud of him for kind of, you know, treating it like I'm hitting the road like a real musician. Yeah. You know, I think that's. But I'm sure he's, you know, he's grown up idolizing all that stuff. And you want to see what it feels like to live a rock star lifestyle and, you know, have the adoring fans. And, you know, you never really get over the adrenaline rush of performing on stage, you know, in front of 50,000 people or whatever. Well, when the. He's got the Mike Dean time slot, so the lights are still on. But luckily, when you're opening for an artist as big as... Everyone's parents are still dropping their kids off when Bia is on. Yeah, there's probably thousands of people that run in to try to get as close to the front as possible. Sure, sure. So you've kind of got that going for you, whereas if you open for somebody in the mid-range, maybe the fans aren't that rabid. Yeah, and it's a great idea because Zach will just play a bunch of hits and everyone will love it versus like... you know, having to sit through 38 minutes of Tory Lanez or something. No, I mean, yeah, it's nice that Post Malone's big enough where the record label doesn't force him to take some, you know, some band with an EP, you know, that's got like six songs that no one's ever heard of, but they got a million dollar record deal from a TikTok song. But it's nice to see him kind of doing God's work and putting Bia where he belongs, and that's in front of 25,000 people in Tacoma. Prayers up to Posty. I feel bad when you see, You know, when I saw that video of him falling into a hole on stage, which is something that seems to happen pretty often nowadays. I feel like when I was a kid, you never really heard about it. But now, you know, once every two or three weeks, a video surfaces on Twitter or Instagram or whatever. Yeah. Of just like, here's Playboy Cardi just falling off of a stage. Here's falling through a hole, getting burned by some pyrotechnics. What's going on with that? I don't know. I like when you go into Willie Staley mode, though, and go, you know, I didn't hear about that much. I think that it's just like these guys might be a little too fucked up.

Like Dirkio getting blasted with Pyro. Fam, Pyro? But also, Metallica got blasted by Pyro, but he was an alcoholic at the time, probably. That's what I'm saying. I think the through line here is drug and alcohol use. I don't think it's innovations in stage technology. I'm thinking Pyro is like riding a roller coaster or doing skydiving or some type of... potentially life-threatening event where the payoff is cool, but it's maybe not worth it. And whenever pyro happens at a concert, it's like, okay, hot. It feels hot. That's pretty crazy. And then it's over, and that's it. You never think about it. So I'm like, we got air cannons. We got confetti. We got that CO2 blast. There's so many non-lethal options. I like the pyro. I got to say, the killers did confetti blast. Great. Cool. Weekend did pyro. Cooler. Okay. It's cooler. I mean, it's a primal instinct to be fascinated by fire. It's one of the five, not five elements of hip-hop, but just five elements. Yes. Fire, water, freight. Exactly. You can't overlook that. You're right. It is primal. I think that's a nice way to put it. It's primal. What are you doing today? You got anything on the ducat? Just kind of a little chilling, I guess. After I'm done editing this, maybe go do a little exercise, make a little light dinner. I'm bummed that my Parmesan and fish diet has not really done any. anything great for me whatsoever i'm not experiencing any any benefits whatsoever okay so are we gonna go back to regular mode where you kind of eat whatever and and you know i don't know drink coffee i really don't know i was actually just thinking about it yesterday when we had kirstie godso on the show and we were talking about like getting blood work done to find out like you know what foods you should be eating and not eating and all that stuff

And it was making me wonder if I should go do that and just see, like, oh, here's your problem. You should never be eating eggplant or whatever it is. I think we should do it together and compare and contrast. I think that would be great for the audience. Yeah, and then also because then it would be a write-off. So that's another reason why we should be doing that. No problem. Yeah, we can think about that. Yeah, I'm still kind of in recovery mode. I've had an action-packed weekend here. Take your time. I'm going to just kind of ease into the southern swag, but it's also because there's nothing to do. So, you know, I'm kind of – I'm already bored, but this might be good for me. I don't know what the answer is. Interesting. So you've been there for one day, two days? Well, I got here, and then I had – I immediately went to an opening at Jackson Fine Art for future guests on the show, Tabitha Soren, and friend of the show, Christy Bush, like a photography show. And there was an after party at this house that was next to the governor's mansion that had a helicopter pad. Oh, okay. Hello. And then yesterday, I had a full... full docket of of exercise and then and then this wedding so i i'm just a little i'm gassed i'm afraid all you have to do today is you and you and pa park it in front of the lazy boy and just watch game after game of college football well it's it's pro today college was yesterday um so my dad does like to my dad my dad likes to pass the test my dad likes to work on sundays like a real man which i appreciate but i'm sure after his his nap he will kind of ease his way into the NFL game day where it's on from... I woke up yesterday and went downstairs and there was a college football pregame on at 9 a.m. That's nothing. I'm like, what do these people talk about for three hours? The game doesn't start until noon. What on earth are these people talking about? How sick it's going to be? I guess that's true. I saw that Dave Holmes was at his alma mater and there was a gay tailgate. And he was like, damn, I never thought I'd see this. And I was like, yeah, me neither, Dave. Gay tailgate, huh? I mean, I'm sure the food's better. I mean, I could imagine a gay tailgate at the Chromatica Ball in the parking lot. Yeah, that's less of a tailgate and more of like a tail ball. There's like a Gatorade five-gallon jug with GHB water in it. I think that sounds pretty cool to me. I think we should normalize tailgating.

in gay situations like for like a chromatica ball i think that would be a nice element um to kind of add to that okay so like people are like you know i got grilled cheeses i made my own yeah um just dance barbecue glaze for these the ribs have been in since last night you understand me there's a lot of rich material to pull from in her catalog because we were talking about gaga with with rostam when we were at um at raffi's last week And we all have, like, a different favorite, which I think was kind of interesting. That's the beauty of Gaga. I mean, I love Gaga. She has so many flawless eras. I know. And she really did come from the gutter. It's really impressive. Like, you can like me. You can like country Gaga. You can like dance Gaga. You can even like Tony Bennett Gaga, which I think is underrepresented. I forgot about that. Don't sleep. That's what I'm saying. It's not bad. If you like standards, you've never heard them done better than Gaga. Yeah, I like this idea. Speaking of the gone effect, I just learned recently from Fox News, Glendale, California, fourth highest rent in America. For rentals, not for rentals. Really? I was about to say, luckily you're not renting, sweetie, but that's... So if you're trying to move to Glendale because you've heard Jason talk about grade, you need to get your money up is what you're saying. Yeah, the average rent is like $4,700, $4,800 a month, something like that. I mean, that is quite a lot, but I feel like that's also maybe due to the fact that there's not a lot of like... i mean it feels like a house i mean i don't see a lot of apartments you know but they're building i think mainly because glendale is you know by the americana there's all these high-rise buildings you know luxury condos that oh i see yeah there's like a bunch of them there and they have like they have the gyms and the pools and all that stuff and then they have like an area where you like watch tv by the pool of course yeah a restaurant in the lobby that's sort of just like uh A campus kind of cafeteria vibe. Yeah. Yeah. There's there's a I mean, the movement of luxury apartment buildings to keep you on campus. Yeah. With pool tables and like other stuff you don't need is I when this started, I was like, is this the decline of society where like you can't you don't even have enough friends to you have to you have to force.

socialize with neighbors because you're such a loser is that well i think well because real estate development companies and and and real estate owners especially multi-family owners you know those those people are the ones who are making the most money and they're like how do we keep making more money oh you know we're gonna sell on the fact that you never have to You don't, you know, cancel your gym membership. Sure. Cancel your blah, blah, blah. You don't need this anymore. It's all, it's all here. And then when, you know, the eventual apocalypse comes, you won't be legally allowed to leave your building. So this is set up pretty perfectly. The DoorDash comes straight to the lobby. Probably karaoke night where you could find somebody to. kiss yeah you know i'm sure there's a new year's eve party for for everyone who doesn't want to go outside definitely it's buffet but you know it's still it's happening yeah buffet on the the hoa will be a little bit higher this month we did spring for kind of the top end prosciutto we did yeah we switched the pool to salt water after so many demands so the hoa is going up to 120 up 125 a month per per resident yeah i just don't and then i have friends who've lived in buildings like that and i'm always like what's the deal and they're like honestly it's like pretty nice like even if you don't really use it it's like yeah i know but whenever i ask somebody about like oh you know like what gym do you go to or something like that and they're like oh i just and they say like oh i just have a gym in my building so i go to that whenever they say that sentence which i've heard so many times yeah it's always said with a little air of uh sadness to it or or like defeat or something like that well of course if it's that good then be happier about a gym no because they're not happy about it because they know that they could lose 10 and it's because the gym at their apartment building doesn't have the right equipment you know it's like it's three elliptical machines and a handful of fucking a handful of dumbbells yeah yeah yeah can you imagine going to a gym that doesn't have a single woodway or curved treadmill

Even if it's free? I think I'm going to be sick. It's disgusting. Honestly, it's something that appalls me deep in my gut. Nothing with the curb at all. Yeah, so you want me to run on this flat treadmill that says, I'm sorry, Nordic Track? Like, what is it? What is it, 1996? You know, it's just crazy what people do. It really is. It doesn't seem secure. Lastly, I hope that I'm coming in clear on this podcast because I don't know if the Wi-Fi is good. I'm coming in. from from dynamic island are you hearing me clear on the wi-fi i'm just did you did you take your boat i'm on island time did you take your boat there or did you swim how did you get there i uh i took the boat over to the glendale galleria apple store and uh bought a one-way ticket to dynamic island so now i have a so is a brand new is our long national nightmare of you having a tiny purple cell phone finally over and you've reached uber driver status that's right i have a black on black iphone pro the regular size not the ground so you went yayo mode you're like rick motherfucking owns with this all black phone baby suck my dick are you going case free are you good are you gonna hit my dog at peels and cop one of those cases no i'm never gonna get a case okay no no i i prefer i would love to do that but unfortunately the way that i'm i voraciously use my cell phone it does cause injury because so you're such a monster that you have to put a case on it. You don't want to do it. It's like when the dog has a muzzle on it. It's not for your safety. It's for theirs. Exactly. No, exactly. Like, who saved who? Your Twitter fingers are registered weapons in Suffolk County, Georgia. What is dynamic mode? Excuse me, dynamic island. I apologize. Dynamic mode is still on the treadmill. What does dynamic island mean? Because I see a lot of, like, Dan Frommer. you know, types talking about this on Twitter. Yeah. And I'm like, it's funny just because it's a funny term, but I'm still unclear on what it is because I'm not an incel. So I don't watch Apple keynotes. Yeah. Yeah. What is, what is my version of dynamic Island? So like on, on the top, when you're looking at the iPhone at the top, there's like a little, a black kind of pill shaped.

area where the selfie cam is you know what i'm talking about okay yeah yeah yeah so they kind of took that area and are playing off the fact that they're able to you know create perfectly black pixels on the screen because the technology is there so they're able to take that side where the selfie camera is and that area becomes like a little kind of control panel where you can see things and it can move so if you have like a timer set at the gym okay so this okay so i just want to be clear not to cut you off this this is absolutely pointless is the reality this is this is like the touch bar on the macbook well it's like that but i think it'll end up being it's just it's just innovation it's just progress it's just innovation chris it's just i mean we've been using our iphones long enough you know whatever 10 15 years of iphones every year you're going to kind of get a little bit better. It's like when people, you know, some random employee at Apple one day was like, oh, I'll just do, you know, when you like copy and paste a password or something like that, it'll be like, oh, do you want to type in this password? And you just hit yes. You know, like little things like that where over the years you take them for granted. At some point, they have to be birthed. Okay, so you're a fan. And this is a birth of innovation. So basically, you know, you're able to look at like what. podcasts you're listening to, your timer at the gym, or you're baking some Alison Roman sponge cakes or whatever it is. There's all those little things going on, and you're able to look at it without touching your phone, and it's kind of all there. So it's very convenient, and the phone's also always on. So when it's just sitting on the table, it'll say all that information on there. Oh, okay, okay. And you never have to pick it up, and you never have to unlock it. It's just all there. And it's a slight... improvement but um you know in a year it'll just be normal it'll be like having a backup cam on your on your in your car of course of course okay so you're the thought of living off the island would be asinine that's yeah of course that's insane that's but the name is off the name is awful no the name is cool that's the coolest part about it it's absolutely pointless even though you just explained it to me and you're obviously pilled

It's pointless. Most innovations are so minuscule that they don't actually move the needle, but it does move the needle enough for people like you who are on Tim Cook's dick to go cop the new phone. No, I didn't buy the phone for Dynamic Island. I don't give a fuck about it, but it happens to have it built in, so I will enjoy it. It's like having a steering wheel heater in the car. If someone's like, oh, for another three grand, we'll install a steering wheel heater. I'll be like... I don't really see myself ever needing that, but if it's already there included stock, I'll give it a ride. Why don't you tell people about your new fridge you got with the TV on the outside then? How much innovation do we need? Do not talk about my Samsung Smart TV right now. He knows and he's listening. Your LG fridge that's tuned to Good Morning America all the time. I don't know. Take milk off the list. Don't need any more. It's always trying to use AI technology to add things to my shopping list. If I get one more Amazon bill where AI technology has added stuff that I didn't add, I'm going to kind of get mad. I'm going to finally stop using Amazon. It keeps telling me to buy a pumpkin because Halloween's around the corner. I'm like, by the time Halloween gets here, it's going to be rotten. You fucking idiot. AI, dumbass. Don't say that too loud. I won't. How long gone? AI, we love you. I'm always rocking with AI. Don't kill my family with a drone. Also, I want to say a quick thank you to everyone who bought my zine with Friend Editions this week. Shout out to my man, Oliver Shaw, for helping with that. Shout out to Ollie. Shout out to Ollie. Yeah, the zine. is great man great photos thank you that jay looks awesome well composed i was thank you dead ass i i was thumbing through it admiring it and then i remember i took a shower immediately after and i was in the shower like damn bro should i get a fucking 35 millimeter camera wow okay so i'm encouraging i'm i'm once again um you're stimulating the artistic market of photography i'm fucking myself like frank ocean carrying the contacts you can't get 35 millimeter film right now we don't need any more amateur bugs kind of clogging the pipelines yashica if you're listening let's send over the ad sheet let's build a lot of ideas for 2023 let's build but yeah thank you to everyone and like i said earlier uh

Get your tickets now for all of our shows, but especially Troubadour Music Hall. Those are going fast. We're going to announce guests soon. I'm still in my spreadsheet kind of organizing all of that stuff. People have a lot of travel schedules, shooting schedules, tour, etc. So just making sure we get the finest possible accompaniment to our program. And then we have some great podcasts coming up this week. Okay. And thank you guys all for listening. Last week, 1975, Ben Gibbert from Death Cab for Cutie. Those were both very fun for us to do. Yeah. And hopefully fun for you to listen to. And thank you to Kumail Nanjiani for ending COVID. That was really brave of you. Kumail, I'll see you at the gym. And, you know, if you accidentally drop a 45 on my foot, you know, I'm going to let it slide. Yeah, Kumail, when we see you at the gym, I know for a fact that that Bain mask that you have to restrict your breathing is not N95 certified. So your whole fucking style is like, bro. I know what you're doing, and altitude training isn't necessary for where you live. All right. How long gone? We are back on Wednesday. We'll see you soon. Get your tickets. Good night. But I probably won't. You used to write to me, baby.