354. - Chris & Jason

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcasts. or watch on YouTube. We did it again. New York City, a rainy Sunday. It's cleared up for us. How long gone? Live from the East Village at Chateau. Chris, Jason is sitting across from me in a... Full suit with a new Prada top as well as his gold under eye mask. The gold makes it better. Because we only have a few hours before we touch the stage in the worst neighborhood in New York, Williamsburg, at Baby's All Right for our Tribeca Film Festival performance. That's right. But we couldn't not bless the listener with the usual episode just because we have to do. another one today we don't have to thanks to the tribeca film festival we get to you know it's not tribeca film festival jason just so you know they've rebranded it's just at tribeca because it encompasses more than just film i'm uh i'm a little more set in one's ways same it's and i choose not to you know everyone wants to pivot and cover all forms of culture which is why They're hiring you and I to perform at the Tribeca Film Festival. Two guys who talk about protein shakes. I actually don't like movies, so that's what's so interesting about this. Chris is on the record being adamantly against film. Cinema, lowercase and uppercase C. So I think they're really trying. Oh, God. One of my Nike swooshes under the eyes has flopped. Don't distract me while I'm trying. These things don't work at all, right? No.

Are there ones that are really expensive that work? Probably. I don't use those because I don't look like a fucking gremlin like you do. Because I don't drink. I think that helps me. I'm one of those New York City drinking gremlins. No, I've had bags under my eyes since way before I picked up the bottle. You have God-blessed heroin junkie-level bags for free. Yeah, and you say it like it's a good thing? I think it can be hot. It can be. It's tough, though, because a lot of people avoid the bag, and I have to double, triple down. Let me tell you something. I'm chasing the bag every fucking day. No, you know what my issue is, actually? This is something I've been noticing walking around the mean streets of money-making Manhattan, is that during our early 20s, mid-20s, I would say even late 20s when we were partying and going out, you'd wake up on a Saturday or Sunday. And you'd see, like, hotties looking hungover but cool. You know what I mean? Like a super hot chick in, like, a T-shirt and jeans looking like shit, smoking a cig with an iced coffee. And there's nothing hotter. Same thing with a dude. There'd be a dude in, like, boots, you know what I mean, before 10 a.m. with, like, a bagel. And it's just wild. Because that's what he was wearing the day before. Now I go outside. I was outside running this morning in the rain. Everybody looks like they're coming from an Outdoor Voices sample sale. They've just been, they've like gotten, they have a full look on for the day. Yeah. Like there's a chick going to Sedell's at 9.30 a.m. on a Sunday in a Reformation dress and heels. And it's like, this is not cool. You're not going to the Kentucky Derby bit. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I know this might be your Kentucky Derby, but Jack Harlow only fucks black chicks. So I don't know what's going to happen. I made this reservation in February to eat a bagel and I'm going to fucking wear my hat. The energy is very much – I made this reservation six months ago. I had a Resi alarm set. Thank you very much. And my girlfriends and I were coming here from Birmingham, and we're very happy to be here. But I just noticed that the last couple of days because I get up early. But it's just like, damn, where are the hot people that look like shit because they just did coke all night? And I don't even see – if I'm up at 7 walking the streets, I don't even see anybody walking home from the club anymore. You know what I mean? I blame two things. I mean, it's the internet's fault.

Number one, everyone is just getting their large coffee and bagel delivered to their house. That's a good point. They're slinking down straight from [redacted address] after somebody blew your back out, going right into the Uber Lux. You look around. You look left. You look right. Make sure nobody's around. You hop in. You've got your big sunglasses and your hat and your mask on. That's right. Nobody is the wiser. There's no real walk of shame unless you are. Yeah. Too poor to afford a lift or a cab. No, that's a good point. But it's not even a walk of shame situation. It's more of like a – Being hungover outside. Publicly, proudly hungover. Proudly strolling to your local coffee shop, not Blank Street, not Starbucks, not Blue Bottle. You're going to a shithole like – some of you may remember Connecticut Muffin on Prince and Elizabeth. That was my local shithole where I would grab a nice iced coffee. I had a couple of those back in college. That tastes like shit. But it doesn't matter because they had an everything bagel available. And it was just – that's what New York should be. Yeah, you should – I should walk into a bodega. There's numero magazines all over the place. And there's a guy with a pork pie hat. He walks in. He's like, somebody had a good night last night. Hey, Tony. Let's quit messing my balls. I want to see a Balenciaga motorcycle bag that's had better days. You know what I mean? I just – There's a lot of stuff that I want to see, and obviously this could be old head talk, but I also think this could be maybe the indie sleaze seeping into my consciousness. Even though this is a little cooler than that, I think it's not that far removed. I think, yeah, when we were in our 20s, the amount of responsibilities we had. Very little. Seemed much lower than the amount of responsibilities that a 20-year-old in 2022 has. That's too many 20s. No, but it's true. If you don't put up a TikTok every day, I don't care if you're a freshman NYU or not, you're going to suffer emotionally and publicly as well. I used to love being hungover almost as much as going out because it's sort of a negative.

free it's like a get into jail free card i have to be honest i miss being hung over when i joke about being hung over because i'm tired i'm like because being hung over on a sunday is a bonding experience With others around the world as well as those in your local community that also did coconut. The collective spiritual hangover of Mother Earth in general. On a Sunday morning in 2007, there was a collective spiritual hangover. There was. There was. And everyone treated each other a little more kindly. Yeah. With a little more grace? Yeah, it was a little better time. If you saw one of your friends suffering, you would offer them a quarter bar of Xanax to kind of help their recovery. Maybe you would give them a little grasp because their dealer takes Sundays off or whatever. Now, like you said, it's Seidel's. I'm getting the bagel tower. I don't smoke weed. It's gross. I've never seen anyone at Egg Shop offer somebody behind them. A perky to feel better. Yeah, no, that ain't happening. The line at Jack's wife, Frida, there's no muscle relaxers being exchanged on a Sunday morning. Would you like to add avocado on that breakfast sandwich? And then the guy turns his pocket inside out. He's like, oh, I don't have 475. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. This one's on me, brother. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, so do all our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly, a website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could, you know, have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools so those future graduates can find me. And, you know, I'm able to accept, quote, unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area.

You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. Show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional as your competition, if not more. So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is this is not a joke.

I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together, a cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, how it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a Tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because Taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs, handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world... is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code HOWLONG. Taskers book up. faster especially for same-day tasks so book trusted home help today that is 15 off your first task using promo code how long with the task rabbit app or at taskrabbit.com i used to love that like for all of our you and mine uh my differences in the world that's one thing that we do have in common is we do we did like to be hungover in like a fun naughty way where i wasn't i wasn't a throw up hangover guy i just felt bad because i never drank drinking is what makes you throw up drugs wonderfully they don't if you do them right yeah yeah yeah like marijuana i get no real hangover from it that's why it's god's gift to to to us people but i've i've had a xanax hangover

Well, yeah, I had a Xanax hangover for seven and a half years, but I'm saying that the... That's when somebody says, hey, Jason, and then you're like... It's a ten-second delay before you say what? I think that there's a... I was never like, babe, hold my hair. I'm going to puke. Right. So it's manageable. It's more manageable. It's like you eat something, you smoke something, you take a small amount of pill, and then you kind of feel better. But there is a low-level malaise that is joyous in some ways. And I don't want to sound like an old head again, but that era of TV was better for being hungover. You know what I mean? Rock of Love. Could you think of a better show to watch when you feel like you got hit by a fucking tour bus? And you have a commercial break to get up and vomit. Come back. That's exactly right. We'll see who Bret Michaels is going to pick this time. I have two large bottles of Poland Springs. This is pre-coconut water, bro. They haven't been in the mud like we have. There was no harvest to harmless. This was before Vitacoco. sugary trash came out and and kind of kind of railroaded i spent more money on harmless harvest for my chick on this trip than the fucking flight here man god damn it that's inflation bro the harmless harvest because you know you know how it works it never gets it never it's always cold throughout the process that's why it costs so much oh they have to keep it refrigerated it never So that's why it's more expensive than competitors. That's also why it tastes better. Like on some Jurassic Park minority report shit, we can't let the files go above negative 300 Celsius. To bring it back to Tribeca Film Festival, it's the great movie Speed with Sandra Bullock, where if we let this bus go below 80, we're all going to die. Temperature will harm this harvest. Yeah, it will. The harvest will be harmed. I think the hangover logic goes back to some... Proto-Hustler thing. It reminded me of, I saw some Instagram graph thing of it's important to celebrate the victories. And it shows a picture of a guy who's on the ground, and he climbs to the top of a mountain, and he's cheering like, I made it to the top. He summited Everest alone. Right. And then on the next slide, it's saying, also don't forget to celebrate.

the times where you do that same level of climbing, but you have been in a hole. Oh, I see. So he started literally underground. So, yeah. So he started underground, and he's crawled the distance of Mount Everest just to get back onto flat ground. I understand. And he's not celebrating because now he's just back to ground zero. But basically what we're saying is being hung over is a self-dug hole. That's right. Because we have to always increase the challenge. We always love work. And we always love working hard and winning. But increasing the challenge makes that even more sweet. We're already killing it. So just to keep myself entertained, just to stave away the boredom, I have to dig myself a giant hole to escape out of. And that's sort of what I do on stage as well at How Long Gone Live. I understand what you mean. I'm going to break my own leg and try to start running just to kind of give myself a little bit more of a challenge. Stuff like that. Just because the competition isn't giving me enough competition, I have to hobble and handicap myself. Okay. So you're going to do a one-legged race when everybody else has got two legs. Mm-hmm. I see. You got it. Yeah, I get it. That'd go really well for you, especially with your knee issues. I had a great knee workout yesterday at Bond Street. equinox man yeah so i've been there a couple times um but i hear i've heard the scene report that it's quite busy it is quite busy it's a it's a whole lot of it's a multi-floor experience correct it is a multi-floor full experience and not in a fun way yeah i mean like you want like if you want to go from the locker rooms to like a yoga room It's like four flights of stairs. Welcome to New York, bro. Even Equinox can't afford an elevator. They got walk-ups in this bitch. They got one drinking fountain. One drinking fountain in the center of the area where a bunch of guys named Bryce do bicep curls. Yeah. You're like, I don't even like to get near those guys because they make me feel... Like such a pussy. No, no, no, no. I try to make them feel like pussies. I'm like, you guys have bigger muscles than I do, but I know that you're all pussies because you're wearing like... White tights underneath shorts? They're wearing... No, everyone is wearing all... That's the number one pussy outfit. White tights under the shorts? Tights under shorts at an indoor gym is the number one pussy outfit. Interesting. It's just, it means that you're not serious. It means that you get chilly.

Do you think – I don't know if it's because they're cold. Maybe it's because of a compression thing or – No, they think it's cool. They might have like an unsightly skin disorder. I don't think – Or maybe they might have like a swastika tattoo that we got to keep it covered up. I don't want to bring up eczema sufferers on this podcast. Not today, Jason. It's too much to talk about. You are seen. It's too much to discuss. But I do think that they think it's compression. But when you're wearing – The gym sharks that have been through the washer and dryer 150 times, they got a little run in them like a women's hose. I don't think it's compressive. There's a gym shark that's been caught in a fishing net, those drink rings. Your gym shark tights killed a dolphin, but you just kept wearing them. But that type of guy really exists in New York. Because in L.A., the guys at the gym are usually... dripped up and draped out in today's latest streetwear, often by brands maybe you've never heard of, which is an interesting twist. But here, the banker guy is wearing gym clothes you recognize, but they're a little dusty with their performance. In LA, it's like a born and raised tee with the... Don't. Okay, I'll stop. It's just, it's streetwear. That's, like, what people wear. Like, the Yeezy merch and, like, the Travis Scott merch is considered gym clothes, where in New York, gym clothes, they have to be... I've seen a white bitch with the Yeezy Jesus hoodie coming down the seventh floor of Equinox. White bitches don't count. White bitches don't wear Yeezy merch anywhere. You can see that at Sedell's, too, if you're going out right now. These Catholic trad bitches are even infiltrating my Equinox Bond Street. But I do think the gym looks for fellas are very different, and I think that... It's a funny – because it's because of Hollywood versus Banker. Yeah. That's the difference. But at this Bomb Street, it was Hollywood meets Banker because now that we're so – I don't know how long gone. Hollywood meets Banker. It's like they're all – like the Banker element is there. Like you can just tell that they went to – Because they're like a little too good looking. They're in great shape.

Their cheeks are rosy in a way that only says, I have been bred to be this way. You can just smell it on them. But they dress like TikTokers. They have the permed poofy hair. They have the Jon Hamm bussin hair. And they have everything. Their clothing and their attire is perfectly manicured, except they'll be wearing like... Nike's or on. They have like a hole in them? No, no, no, no. They'll have like a nice condition pair of on running or Nike's. Yes. But they'll be wearing the Puma ankle stock. Ah, that's right. That's right. That's right. And that's what you call a tell in my game. That is a tell. And it's because the attention to detail is just not there. It's not there. Because they're so busy crunching numbers. I was about to say, well, also when you're rich and hot, you're still... Your Raya is still bussing no matter how bad your Puma low socks are. The Puma ankle sock has never been a deal breaker on whether or not somebody is going to marry. They see the Puma sock and they think, I can change him. I can fix him. I recognize his last name from the club register, and I know that the Puma sock is merely an oversight on his part and not a lifelong mistake. I'm going to go ahead and trust you that it was laundry day. I know those are mismatched, and I'm sure your cleaning lady is going to be reprimanded for that, and that's okay, but Puma, we got to move on. As long as you, instead of putting them back in your Goldman Sachs tote bag, just put them straight into the trash can, or ask maybe one of the maintenance people if they'd like to take them home as a pair. You want these used Puma low socks? I just don't want to throw them away. My girlfriend won't let them back in the house. God damn it. I'm glad that you went to a... The Soho Equinox is like a classic location, but Bond, I think, took the wind out of its sails.

Because it's close enough where the same people would go, and obviously when something's newer. You know what I mean? Yeah. I remember having to take a few calls in the Bond Street Soho during some busy times where I would use my membership to scan in and get a quiet place. No, the lobby, I got a lot of work done there before, sure. Oh, great. I'm glad you're having such a great time in New York. I had a big Friday night that I wanted to discuss. Okay. Friday night, that's right when I landed. I was at the... Excellent Tribeca location of Mr. Chow. God damn it. For a little bit of a Tom Brown crew reunion with Matt, Kelly, friend of the show, Ian Bradley. But then Kelly, so we had a great dinner. Great to see them all. Kelly had to leave. When you say great, you mean fun times were had by all. Good conversation. Actually, no, no. It was fun. The food, of course, is delicious. And everybody likes it except you. We'll continue. And Kelly had to leave. So then I was left with Matt, Ian. And we walk outside and who do we see? It boy Greg K dining with another gay fella. Okay. So we proceeded to stand on the street and talk for over an hour. And I have to say, I felt like I was really seeing something that I shouldn't see as a straight man. I was like blessed into this conversation as the only straight there. Oh, you were privy to. lines of conversation and discussion that you should not have been. Yeah, and not in a vulgar way, but just I felt like because I'm friendly with all of them. You got to see Hillary's emails when you shouldn't have. The guard was let down in a way, and they were talking about a lot of events. Chris, you have a good ability to have some fellas let their guard down. That's right. And there was no GHB. It was early. But they started talking about this line of parties that I'd never heard of before. And they all had these funny names. A line of parties. There were multiple parties they were talking about going to. We're not talking about ready to wear. No, no, no. This one was fun. That one wasn't fun. And I was just like, damn, man. There's a whole world of stuff that we will just never hear about because we're not invited. Yeah, but how clandestine are these events? They still have to use social media to promote them.

It's a world that we don't live in. Or maybe we see it. But Ian said... I see a lot of it online. But Ian said it's a dog whistle kind of situation. Okay. I'd like a deeper explanation of what that means. I think it's like being able to parse out which ones are good and bad. Yeah. Only gays can do it. You could put three flyers... Challenge accepted, honey. Three gay flyers in front of me. It's like the ping pong ball cup trick. Like, I don't know if I can pick the right one. But it seemed like I felt like I was celebrating pride in an intimate way. As a gay baiting design enthusiast, one would think that you'd be able to tell. No, no, I think I could, but it was just a funny way for him to put it. No, no, no, that is. And I wasn't. It's almost as if the other two parties are there as. straight bitch decoys. Yes, exactly. To run them off the scent as it were. So beyond talking about that, we were able to do a tight 30 on Sky Ferreira, of course. Her Gov Ball set ran short. I'm hearing the sets are running short across the board. You know, and I don't know what the issue is, but get well soon. Hopefully. I mean, Gov Ball seems torched. They got J. Cole headlining on the final day. I was looking at the lineup, and it was really bad. It was bad. It was J. Cole. Roddy Rich got popped with a gun. He can't perform. Don't even want to see him anyway. We're missing Summer Jam today. You know it rains every year. This is a tradition. Damn, bro. And now we're part of it. Yeah, I know. GovBall looks so dark. How Long Gone Live will be indoors? It's indoors. You won't have to wear your wellies? No, no wellies allowed, actually. Not in a club setting. Well, okay, so my trip has been extremely long, and I've been to Estella. I've been to Mr. Chow. I went to Bonnie's last night with Big Nate Dog, which is delicious. I met up with Nathan, a deputy editor from the famed airmail publication to build. I've got a giant airmail tote bag for you as well as a hat.

Maybe I'll wear the airmail hat today, Larry David style. I got you the khaki one because I know that's the official Larry hat. I don't know if I need the tote. No, it's really nice. I bet it is. No, it's like a proper travel bag. I'm very impressed. Nazi helmets are really nice too, but I'm not going to wear one. I'm really impressed with the – I just think that as poor as you are, I would think you would maybe want some of these things to kind of signify at least your highbrow. High bro at what cost, though, you know? Because I'm anti-Graden from the start, so that's just what it is. That's just what it is. You know? And I don't care. I think that, you know what, I'm going to get naked. You know, like, I don't like Elon Musk, but I'll drive a Tesla. But it's a little bit different because, like, you need a car to get to places. Well, I think deep down you do like Elon Musk. You're just not able to admit that. Well, I mean, it's in relation to other. Car company owners? You don't love the Ford family? I mean, I don't know. I don't know. You know what I'm going to do? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get Nathan to set up a kind of meeting of the minds, me, you, Graydon, at Waverly Inn. And we're going to break bread over a $65 Branzino. And we're going to get to the bottom of this. And I think that it will be educational for all of us. But I ran into Nargis, actually, that day. It was a beautiful day. Look, I'm a Keith McNally guy. Keith is anti-Graden, right? They have a playful battle. I believe it's a classic titans of industry, knowing that this is good for everyone, for them to kind of have a tit for tat publicly. You know what I mean? Which I really respect when people do that. When people know, it's like, you know what, this is funny and people love it, so let's lean in. 50% truth to it, that's enough. Should we do that with our podcast more? I mean. I guess we do. We do a little bit, but it's not. Unfortunately, I think that I don't know who would be. We need. There's only one titan in the room is what you're going. Well, I mean, you know, like our friend said, two silverbacks, one cage, but this cage looking empty.

And there's already two silverbacks in it. Two silverbacks. And they're both on the same pod. We need four silverbacks. I guess we're two silverbacks, one cage every week. I'm a goldback. Oh, I forgot. I forgot. I didn't mean to. So I'm sorry. I've had a big trip to New York. When do you leave? Tomorrow. Okay. So tonight. We'll hang out with a friend of the show, BJ Novak, do a couple of caviar bumps. We're unfortunately missing BJ's movie premiere, Vengeance, which is strangely about podcasting. We were not paid as consultants or asked to be in the movie at all. Actually, I needed to talk to you about that. I did two weeks in Fresno with the team. Oh, I'm sorry. So you were on the crack writing staff to kind of get it. I got scale. We'll split it. It's fine. Okay. Well, I was more into the – I mean, I want the – not to spoil it, but I'm under the impression there's a mayor walk-on, you know. Oh, a John Mayer walk-on. John Mayer. Not Mayor Eric Adams. No, no, not – I'm like, damn, he's going to be the dad. He got fired, but he got on the show? No, yeah, John Mayer walk-on. So I was kind of thinking if – I mean, why can't we? You know what I mean? Why can't we get a little? Yeah, like, oh, sorry, I'm not in the Grateful Dead. How big is John Mayer's podcast? Exactly. Great question. It just seems like an oversight. We're missing the premiere because of our show, but we will be joining BJ for the after party, which I'm sure will be star-studded. Hopefully, at least there's one member of the office cast for me to get a picture with. I'll take Stanley. That's why my fucking girlfriend wants to go to this party instead of my live show. Because there's a possibility of Angela from the office being there. She needs a fucking Pam selfie. Bro, Pam? When's the last time you've seen a Pam selfie? Pam don't give them out. Pam lives in my neighborhood. I walk past her house all the time. It's right where I do my sledding. How nice is it? It's modest. It's a modest but big... She seems...

Smart. Yeah. It's obviously like a big-ass house. She's not blowing her residual checks on the Hollywood Hills match. No, no, no. I mean, she probably bought that shit for under three. She got it back in the day. I love those Puma ads where Krasinski's got his little chub in her butt while they're golfing. You know what I'm talking about? Have you seen this? No. It's like a mid-2000s Puma ad campaign, and it's like Puma golf, but it's the office cast. It's really good. It's really funny. But there's one shot where Jim is teaching Pam how to putt. You know what I mean? But he's got the... He's behind her? Yeah. Let me show you how it's done. They're making a funny face. I will scroll back. How far back on your Tumblr do I have to go to see that one? That's actually... That wouldn't make it there. It's too silly. But anyway, how has your trip been? Because I feel like I haven't seen you in a while since I've been here for a week. I haven't seen you once this trip. I was able to not get an upgrade on the flight. I'm sorry to hear that. But on the plus side, I wore jeans on the flight. I got my first pair of jeans that would be considered airplane jeans, as in they're comfortable enough to wear on a transnational flight. So you finally got the Amiris. They have a lot of give to them. No. What are they? Gucci. Bro, I know it's pride. But Gucci jeans? You would never be able to tell if they were Gucci. But why are they giving you... I don't know. Something about them just feels good. And they were brand new with the tags on them. So they didn't need years of wearing in a pair of Benjamin Edgars or something. They were just right off the rack, ready to go. And I tried them on. And it was the first time I really put a pair of jeans on. And they fit me perfectly. They were so comfortable. The rise, the lift, the tuck. No tailoring needed whatsoever? No tailoring needed whatsoever. Wow. Drive it right off the lot, straight onto the F1 track. How much did these cost? $250? Yeah. I mean, that's like...

what jeans cost basically if you're buying jeans that aren't like vintage levi's that's kind of what it's going to cost yeah you're going to hit apc or double rl or whatever it'll probably be about that much and it's hard i mean i don't know i can't remember the last time i wore a pair of brand new denim jeans on a plane because you know i mean an old pair of worn in ones but but my girlfriend was like oh these could be airplane jeans and i was like what the fuck is that It's a tough category. It's one that I don't often tackle. I didn't even know it was a thing, but now I know. I have a couple pairs of plane pants that are black. Airplane pants. Yeah, there's one by the row and one by Stussy, and they're very comfortable, but they don't look like shit, and they have a zipper, a fly, a proper fly. You know, I got some row pants too, but they're too tight. In those giant bussing quads? The thigh area. My quads are not bussing. They aren't. That's why I'm surprised. That's why I'm bringing up as well. It was surprising, but the upper portion of the leg from knee to hip, too tight. Knee down, just fine. Interesting. It was weird. Well, you have a funky bod, bro. I know. I have a funky bod, but I have a trainer now, and he's relearning. Yeah, I've heard about this. He's like teaching me how to walk. This guy saw your ass doing budget versions of his workouts alone, and he said, this is a sitting motherfucking duck. Yeah, that's right. Got him. I got to tell you, the gym politics, it's so weird because the last episode I was talking a few weeks ago about how some trainers will be talking to you, and then they're like, oh, they're just being a nice bro. And then I'm like, wait a minute, maybe these guys are all gay. And now I'm like, no, they all want me. Especially Equinox. I don't know the exact deal, but I don't think they make much money. I don't know if they do. I mean, it's like 125. They also all wear Nike clothes from the outlet, which doesn't make me believe that they're doing that well. But it's a nice environment to be in all day.

They're not as vulturous as a cheaper gym, for sure. Definitely not. Like at Gold's Gym. And they're probably relatively cool. No, they're all cool. They're all cool. There's one trainer at my gym that my brother is friends with. He's like, oh, she's sick. There's regular people, but he plucked me. But it's kind of like being a hot chick, and you have ten guys. It's called The Bachelor. It's ABC every Monday at 8. But imagine if all 10 of The Bachelors were too intimidated or too afraid to talk to you or just didn't even bother because they didn't think you would ever say yes. One person. He finally was like, you know what, I'm going to approach this 10. And I was like, well, I'll go on a date with you because you're the only person who's asked me to. So how many dates have you been on? Two. One and a half. Okay. Well, he gave me one session. He's giving me one and a half sessions for free. What is a half session? Is that like a hand job? Like what's a half session? A half session is I'm working out. I hit the edible and I'm doing my little pull-ups. And I'm kind of like cooling down. He's like, hey, you got like. You got like 20, 30 minutes I can show you a few things? And I'm like, okay. I don't like this one bit. And he showed me some things, and they were all really good. And then I was like, okay, let's do it again. We put a little time on the calendar, showed up, and then I did a bunch of random, just simple, weird holds and poses and movement thingies. And he's like, yeah, we have to relearn how to walk. explosively because my knee since it hyperextended my body and my brain tells it to like protect that and explosive walking is a cool category yeah the the whole thing is like pressing in and digging down yeah yeah i mean that's like a lot of yeah that's like a lot of weird like they always when you're doing like heavy deadlifts it's just like screw your feet into the ground screw yeah yeah yeah fucking like really bear down and it does help i mean i think that the the gate

of walking is something that is, will take time to relearn. And I think some people have like watching somebody who's like an amazing runner. You're like, that's different. That's fucked up. Yeah. And most of it's probably natural, I would say. But like, if you've been doing it long enough, you had a coach like in high school, you like learn it and then you're good. When I saw that guy, this guy, David Perry running our treadmill, I was like, I'm about to get hard. This guy's looking like a damn gazelle. You're a form queen. We've known that for a while. I'm a form queen, but, like, running, it's a little bit like, I'm just trying to finish. I'm trying to do what I can. It's not like I'm, like, oh, yeah. I'm just happy to get over the finish line. I mean, on a treadmill, it's a little easier, like, to understand your movements and, like, make sure your arms don't cross your body and, like, use them properly and shit. But, like, out on the streets, like I was today in the rain on my Rocky shit, it's every man for himself. On my Rocky shit. It's every man for himself. I hope to trip and fall across the finish line. That's all I can hope for. Yeah, so we'll see what happens. What's his name? Anthony. Okay. Anthony, he did some college ball. What kind of ball? I think basketball. Football. Okay. I like that better than anything else. But what I was saying before. So he's got a little CTE so you can kind of understand him. But he's big into running and he's big into earthing. So I'm like, yeah, you're my guy. That's some TJ shit, I was about to say. That would send me running to the other side of the gym. I was like, I'm going to pay you $125, and you're going to show me how to lay on the ground? Oh, damn. But the thing I notice is all the other trainers, male and female, who have tried to kick TJ's tires. Hey, how's the knee doing? What are you listening? Oh, I've never heard of burial. Oh, you're a DJ, that's sick. I drink sometimes. I drink one time. I drink sometimes. I drink once. Which club in Orange County do you play at? So now, as soon as I'm doing my first session with Anthony, my new guy, every other trainer is giving me the absolute stink eye. Like, motherfucker, I put in work. Yeah. I talked to you about your t-shirt four months ago, and you do this to me? Yeah. I dropped so many jewels. I left you so many crumbs. And now you're going to ghost me?

But none of them ever asked to train me. Not a single one of them. You're supposed to know. You're supposed to understand, Jason. But you, a known game player, didn't indulge. Even though you knew what you should do, you decided not to because that brought you more pleasure than the other answer that would have worked for them. Instead of going up to a person and being like, hey, could I interest you in one free training session? All I hear is just like... This is just some bait and switch shit. In an hour, you're going to give me a good stretch out and show me how if I buy 12 sessions at a time, it's actually saving me money? Well, it actually is. It actually is, of course. No, no, I know what you mean. I smell a salesman from a mile away, but if you come up and be like, hey, can I show you some stuff? Next thing you know, you gave me a session. Next thing you know, I got another session. Next thing you know, I'm in the app and I'm buying classes at 12 at a time. I wonder how much those guys make. I wonder how much Equinox is taking. I wonder if it's a gallery style 50% or if it's more of a CAA style 15 to 20. I think it's probably 60, 40. I've never known an Equinox trainer. I've only known independent contractors. I've never known one. Because they always dress too funny for me. They literally look like a Nike sale rack, but all of it at once. I was always like, why are you wearing it? Come over to Glendale. It's a lot different, bro. You got your fucking Nike track pants tucked into your Nike socks, and you got some weird shoes. I'm like, are they? Bro, you know what Equinox trainers wear? They wear the cursed Air Max 270. One of the worst shoes ever invented. That's the Roshi of our generation. You know the 270. You know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. It pains me to say that. And it's got like the sole is like purple. The people who wear those are Equinox trainers and big booty chicks that only do deadlifts. That's the only people who wear that shoe. Big booty chicks that do deadlifts? There's a certain kind of woman that comes to the gym and you don't ever see them do anything except wear Gymshark 270s deadlift beats. Big beats. And they got the big water bottle that tracks the spending. Every once in a while they'll do the thing on the...

On the squat rack where you put the bar on your waist and then you... They all do that. The hip thruster? So they got a new thrust machine at Easton. Oh, this is good. And Hunter was like, I think you should try this. I'm like, bro, this is some chick shit, bro. He's like, no, try it. Fellow's got a thrust too. I thrust it. Depending on if you taught. I thrust it. Happy Pride yet again. Something you wouldn't know about. I thrust it. I thrust it. And it was hard as fuck. It was good. But the amount of time it requires through the barbell thrust, you got to... Like I see people, it takes 20 minutes to set it up. They got to put the pad on their waist. So this thing basically eliminates all of that. But I see some traditionalists in their nice Gymshark sets. They refuse to use it. They still want to do the whole set of them. It seems like some voodoo to me. I don't think I'm into it. It's the same shit. It's the same shit. Yeah, so we had that. We went to Friendship for dinner on Friday when we got in. Oh, great. How was that? It was delicious. I found it. It's too fussy for me. I like the restaurant. It's cool. If you ate meat, it would be a lot better. I had duck, french fries, steak tartare. I've had lots of martinis this trip. I haven't had a hangover once. The only thing I can remember from French Ed is Ben Edgar's reaction to the asparagus. And I think that sticks with me in a way that maybe, unfortunately, turns me off to the restaurant, which isn't fair. Ben, asparagus is even more in season now. It's more in season. Let's give asparagus another look, Ben. Let's give asparagus another look. You know what, Jason, maybe you could make some for him. Something special that we know would kind of appeal to his palate. It'll be an asparagus crudo. Gently dressed, of course. Finley shaved asparagus crudo. The night before, I was a little fucked up because the night before I came to New York. We went to dinner with Andy Bargani. Are you laughing at my pronunciation of his last name? I mean, that's the correct pronunciation. Andy Bargani. Yeah. We went to Damien. It's a Mexican restaurant downtown. Yeah, and this is a restaurant I feel like you should hate, so I'm interested that you liked it. It's a restaurant that we should all hate. Why? Because it's... Because it's fussy. Is it from Mexico City?

I don't know. Is it the Pujol people? Maybe. Anything connected to Mexico City, I don't want any part of. So let's do a little research because I'm boycotting. If it started in Mexico City and is coming here. Mexico City is responsible for the can you sublet my room for three days while I'm out of town. Phenomenon. Mexico City made that a problem because every white person with a computer job that's a producer's assistant. What was the first Mexico City? What was Mexico City before Mexico City? Mexico City's account managers, bro. I don't know. That's a great question. From email yob chicas? Maybe Miami. Yeah. Maybe Miami. It's like me and three of my girlfriends are getting an area. It's so cheap. But was Damien good? It was fine. It was fine. It was a little too fussy, but it looked pretty and it was good. Carolyn likes it because... All the margaritas on the menu come stock as skinny. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. I'm still never going to go there, but that's really smart. It was really smart, and it was fine. It was fine. But when you go to dinner with TJ, and Chef wanted to sound at a couple things. Of course. It hit a little different when you're with Andy Bargani. I bet it did. Did you get the whole menu, or just? We ordered a bunch of stuff, and they sent out just as much stuff. Yeah. And it was like a 7.30 reservation, and we were talking, having a great time. Who made the reservation? Andy did. Okay. So it's his name. I just wanted to make sure. It's his name. I wanted to make sure the chef just wasn't like, bang. We were originally going to take him to a restaurant. We were like, oh, we'll go to Animal. They reopened. Check it out. I got to go back. They were so fucking good. It was really good. It was really good. And he's like, well, you know, Damien, they hit me up. And they're like, we would love to have you come check out our restaurant. We're big fans kind of thing. And I'm like, nope, we're doing that. Yeah. We're doing that. And then we, you know, margaritas after margarita. Mezcal tasting this bottle. There's only three of them in the country and blah, blah, blah. The whole thing. And then we looked at our watch. It was 1130.

And I got up and everyone that worked there had left. It was just like a couple dishwashers and a bartender kind of like cleaning up. And I was like, can we like settle up? And they're like, oh, no, like it's already taken care of like a long time ago. We shut down the POS. POS, the Aloha system has been powered down. I mean, that's great. Unfortunately, it's also annoying. I was not annoyed at all. Believe it or not, I was fine with eating like a king for free. But, yeah, the downside was we had a great meal, great convo. We had the How Long Gone interview, but uncensored, where we could really let it spray. You know, a four-hour-long boozy dinner. It was so great, but then, you know, get home at midnight, and I have to wake up at 4.30 to go to the airport. I eat a little Xanax. I eat an edible. I hit the bong. I try to... You couldn't sleep? I was just so wound up from my great convo. That's what happens when you go toe-to-toe with a fellow exceptional conversationalist. And even if the food is from Mexico City, it can't ruin that. But I had to... So I went to sleep at 1.30, woke up at 4.30, feeling like absolute shit. And then I'm sitting in coach. The woman next to me, I'm sitting in coach. I'm already hating my life. I can't even fit my legs into the seat. And then there's three Comfort Plus seats wide open. Carolyn was sitting up there. And she was like, there's three seats, a whole row completely open. And she took a picture, texted it to me. I show the photo to the stewardess. The stewardess don't care. And she's like, yeah, I don't know. That's not how it works. You have to talk to the gate agent. I told the gate agent, and she just looked at me and turned around and walked off the plane. Didn't say anything. It's unfortunate that your status is not to the point where the upgrade is automatic. I'm diamond medallion. No, you're not. Wait. You're platinum. No, platinum, platinum. I don't honestly. I was on the list, but. You were the list.

There was like a 12-person list to get upgraded. I was around halfway through, and Carolyn said the entire flight, that whole row, remained empty the entire time. Weird. And I was like, I'll pay right now. Here's my credit card. Whatever it is, I'll do it. Oh, I like when TJ splashes out. He said, I got it. I got it. So as soon as I finally give up. Charge my capital one. There's a middle seat. It's me, empty middle seat, and then like. Super chill Asian guy. Just couldn't be quieter. Quiet as a titmouse. And then these two people that are still drunk from the night before come on in the 11th hour. Oh, that's the worst. And this is LAX to JFK, and they're letting everybody know that they are on their way home back to Long Island. So we got one greaseball guy wearing a T-shirt that says, like, Los Angeles on it that he just bought the day before, maybe an hour before. Could have gotten it at the I Love LA airport store. He bought it. It's just a shirt that says Los Angeles. No team, no school. A black shirt, white letters, Los Angeles. Kind of a classic. Was it in like the Hollywood sign shape or anything? Or was it kind of just a collegiate style straight across, block letters? It was kind of, yeah, it was just block letters. Three for 20. She was wearing like a blue, I think maybe a Golden State Warriors hoodie. And she's letting me know that, just to let you know, I'm still drunk from the night before. I'm like wicked hungover. I'm like, okay, thanks for letting me know as you sit down next to me. And then as soon as she sits down, she opens up her Twitter, starts a Twitter Spaces. And she then joins... I thought you were going to say it was weird. She was following. I saw that she was following Dunn to Death on Twitter. Are you fucking them jeans, dude? Dude, are you fucking them jeans? I had your fucking childish Gambino remix. It was... So...

So she's on Twitter Spaces, which is social audio, a dying format. Twitter Spaces is a clubhouse-style feature where you get to hop into a voice chat room. Does she have headphones on, or I'm going to guess no? She did have headphones on, thank God. But they were wired headphones. So she had one pair of wired headphones, the Delta brand, plugged into the TV because she was watching a Tannels. Marvel's a Tannels fucking rock. She's already seen it ten times, so she's watching that in one ear. And the other earbud, she's in the Twitter Spaces chat room. So there's four earbuds dangling everywhere. This is honestly some kind of third eye shit. It's a little third eye-ish. The amount of content she's digesting. She's giving and taking. Yeah. She's uploading and downloading a lot of data. So the chat room is an NBA gossip chat room. She's with her man? The man appeared to not be her romantic interest. It looked like her fat friend that she lets come around because he pays for the Ubers or something. Was she hot? I mean, as hot as she could be. Let me rephrase this. She wasn't no ago. Let me rephrase this. Was she NBA player, on the road, hot? She's a bench bunny, meaning she ain't getting no starters. So sixth man, or are we talking eighth man? It's more the eighth man. Okay, all right. Yeah, when the guy that she fucks is walking down the tunnel for the fit, the camera doesn't really come up to take the picture. So you're saying he's checking the pictures he took of Steph Curry 20 minutes ago when her man walks through the tunnel in his pleasures. Yeah, yeah, when her man walks down the tunnel, that's when he starts scrolling on the 5D. We got one, we got one, cool. She has fucked a basketball player or an urban comedian. That's for sure. Okay. But you could kind of tell by the eyeliner situation that she is from Long Island. So is she participating in the spaces? Loudly. Constantly chiming in. So she wanted this entire chat room to know that she went to catch the restaurant. I wonder if the new one. The new catch is open. The new catch is open. Shout out to our Hwood. Is that an Hwood?

Yeah. Shout out to our H. Wood family. Sorry about what Diplo said about it. And we would love to, if you would, look, Jason likes his little hookups in his Mexico City restaurants, but I'm looking to go to catch. H. Wood, if you're willing to squash the beef, I am too. I'm willing to, I've given lots of money to the Delilah group. We would allow, Jason would spend for two hours on a Friday night at catch steak for us to receive a comp meal and one table. Two hours. No bottles. And we will not. Don't try to do some nice guy shit. It has to be the new catch. Yeah. Don't pawn us off. I'm not having another impossible burger at fucking nice guy. I'll tell you that right now. All right. So she's. I'm sorry. The impossible burger with gold foil on top. I don't eat the fries. I'm just going to have the gold. I can't. There's foie gras all over this impossible burger. I can't eat it. I'm vegan. Like, oh, I'm sorry. So she's. So she's in there and she's like, you guys. I was at Catch. It's a new restaurant in L.A. I met CP3. I was like, oh, you're the guy from the State Farm commercial. He loved it. So she's blabbing about meeting. CP3 is about as uncool as a basketball player can get. That's right. But he's famous. And he is in the commercials where Drake famously wore the red Bottega polo. He's almost six feet tall, the whole thing. So she's in the chat room up until the very moment where the phone doesn't work anymore because you're 30,000 feet young. She ain't paying for the Wi-Fi. She doesn't say, all right, bye, guys, and turn the phone off airplane mode and go to sleep. She's talking until we're above the ocean now. Until she's banging the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's ringing every second out of it, and then as soon as she's done with that, hops on the Wi-Fi, and then she starts DMing Damon Wayans. Nice to meet you last night. Major pain like Damon Wayans? Major pain like Damon Wayans. And then, believe it or not, no response. And the whole flight, she was either sleeping on the tray table. The classic high school style lean over? High school style lean over, hoodie goes on, on the tray table. And when she would wake up every once in a while.

and then look at Damon Wayans' Instagram scroll about, you know, as if she was to see, like, will he fuck a white chick? Is he married? Is he a cheater? How, you know, can I trap him kind of thing? Oh, my. God. And I was like, how many hours are you going to look at Damon Wayans' Instagram for? Because I'm sure Damon Wayans is only so active. You know what I mean? I'm sure it's like when he's got something to promote, he's going to tap in. The team? The team won't have an update? Come check me out tonight in Tampa. We're doing two shows. Got an early NLA. When Laywood sold out. But I don't think he's doing much more than that. No, but then I couldn't be mad at her because she was... Like when I was in my seat upgrade quarrel, I usually put on the puppy dog eyes and try to guilt trip them. Yeah. And that was not working. So she was my bulldog. Oh, she was like yelling at this. She's like, why the fuck do you care? Let him sit over there. He's so tall. I was like, oh, I love the Boston accent has been given. That's all I got. I know it's good. I don't know how to do Long Island. Long Island is just New York, but worse. But OK, so she's she's on your side. You know why? I have a guess. Because I'm... She might have thought you were an NBA player. Yeah, well... Or at least somehow affiliated with a team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least I... You played in college. It was D3. But you are kind of in the... You're in the head office. I took a couple calls with Wake Forest. Nothing really... panned out. They came to see me. My mom wasn't that into it. She liked long dick. That's what it is. And I don't mean the penis. I mean the body that it's attached to. I can't believe David Wayans shit. That's so twisted. Just checking David Wayans Instagram profile every 30 minutes. There's just something. You know when you go on Instagram and you click on someone's profile and then you click the little messages button and you're like, oh yeah, I've talked to this person before. They tagged me in a photo and November 2019 or whatever. But when you go to someone and it is a stark white plain DM, you know what I mean? Looking like a brand new stretched canvas. A brand new stretched canvas. You just cut the plastic wrap off the Blick receipt in it. A pair of Air Force Ones. You open the box for the... They've never seen light before. Box fresh. That smell.

Her opening Damon Wayans DM, it was just like that. And it had this essence that like, you know, I know, Damon, the pilot of this flight knows that no one is ever going to respond to you. The team isn't even going to see it. Pissing into the wind. Well, you know, at least she had a good time in L.A. She met a few celebrities and she had a delicious meal at Ketch Steak, which. You know, I couldn't afford to eat there. I'm saying I would have preferred if I got my back blown out at the dream at the dream. I was hoping somebody would pay for the meal and then I'll get my black back blown out at the dream. Hollywood, of course, got a nice roof scene. I could just picture her at one fifty two a.m. last call at cash and she's going around being whispering into Draymond's ear like. I don't care if you use a condom or not. You can do... You could... You could... Yeah, you could hit it raw. I'm not going to trap you, neither. I don't want to, kid. No, you could hit it raw in the Boston accent. All right, guys, how long gone? We've got to cut our episode a little short because I've got to go upload this, and then we've got to do this exact same thing all over again in front of the crowds at Babies All Right here in New York. So if you're in the concert, if you're in the show, and you're in the audience, and you heard us repeat any of these jokes. Thank you. Sorry? Thank you for coming to Brooklyn, and you're welcome for not doing this in, like, Queens. We got to do Jersey next time. No, we don't. How long gone? We're back all week with excellent podcasts. Don't worry. You know where to find us. And we will see you all very soon. Au revoir.