435. - Robby Hoffman

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by our friends at Nissan. As a pioneer in the electric vehicle space, Nissan is always looking for ways to deliver new meaningful technologies to EV owners. After all, Nissan has been making EVs since 1947 when Jason was born and their EVs have now traveled 8 billion miles by Nissan LEAF owners since 2010. That's right, 8 billion miles. That's the equivalent to driving to Pluto and back. I think that's electrifying. One of their EVs trekked all the way to the North Pole, and Nissan even tests their EV technology on the Formula E racetrack. So, yeah, you heard that right. 8 billion miles. That's how many Chris does on the treadmill at Barry's Boot Camp every calendar year. Nissan knows you don't get an EV. Just for the E, you get Nissan EV because it makes you feel electric. Something about Elon Musk here. Because it sparks your imagination, it ignites something within you. It pins you to your seat and takes your freaking breath away. At least that's what Nissan thinks when they're designing their EVs like Nissan Aria and the Nissan Leaf. It's about creating a thrilling design that electrifies its customers. I love Nissan's focus on creating a thrilling drive and an electrifying life. In today's world, it's so important to look around you. Pay attention. to look for all the tiny ways that life can electrify you. And here's a small way that I love to feel electric in my everyday life. I wash the dishes all by myself. Nissan, EVs that electrify.

Tuesday, December 27th, this interesting dead week between Christmas and the beautiful New Year's holiday. I am in Overcast, Palm Springs. Jason, I assume you're coming to us live from the How Long Gone Bat Cave in Glendale. That's right. And I feel for all of our grustlers this week. This is your most challenging week of the year. My life partner as well as my business partner are both kind of going through it right now as the emails are getting bounced back. The OOO replies are coming in. You know, it's tough for you guys who are unable to really unplug and just chillax like I can. And I do feel for you whenever I try to offer you some tips and tricks on how to reach a meaningful meditative state. It usually is replied with. Calling me a P word. I'm taking the time, you know, and I'm able to find some new memes and investigate. You know, I sent you a new thing this morning, you know, because I was up early and I thought you would like it. The egg white only. uh eggsy the new brand where it's like a it's like a it's like you're buying um cookie dough but it's just egg whites in a big ass like sausage style sack yeah the the same way that you get your jimmy dean in the morning or your or your soy reso if you're our age you know but the name the name eggsy doesn't it sound like an assistant to james bond or something it does it does sound a little yeah it does sound like a kind of bald assistant um don't start calling me that Fetch my brandy sniffer, won't you, Eggsy? Yeah, no, it does if you add the accent. But I guess I'm wondering, is this something that you would be interested in trying, or do you think this is a bastardized fake health product that's taking away the tasty part of the egg and giving only the protein? This is the most pussy egg product out on the market right now, 1,000%, no cap. It says, it says eggs. It's like made, made, and I'm sure whoever created Eggsy listens to this podcast. So no, no, you know, I'm just playing, you know, I'm just playing Eggsy. The Eggsy inventor probably doesn't listen, but I would say some of the ground floor investors definitely do. So yeah, some people that manage their social reach for Q1, 049er, but like their tagline, I know you sent the website to me in order to infuriate me and not because it was going to get me excited, but.

It said, like, we love everything there is about eggs except for the yolk, literally 50%. You only love one part of it. And it's the part that's the flavorless, colorless, nutrient-less part of it, just because it has no calories or fat or whatever. You know, what's the fucking point, guys? Egg whites do feel like a 90s scam in some ways. It is. I mean, as somebody who eats, but I mean, as somebody who doesn't stray away from the dairy, as long as it's coming from a good quality source. You know, the yolk myth has been debunked. Yoke it up, bro. I feel the same. I feel like this product is late to the market. But I had another kind of food update for you because we're down here in Palm Springs and all the food is so bad here. That's right. I've heard good things about the Tommy Bahama. marlin bar restaurant okay marlin as in the fish not as like the brando yeah yeah marlin as in the fish and it's it's giving you know it's giving like i live in orlando if or if orlando had a polo bar is kind of what it's what it's going for i think so chris are you is are you under the assumption that you could actually get a table at the marlin bar i'm no i think it would be walk-ins only uh we might have to sit at a high top even but i'm just looking i'm looking at the i was looking at the menu earlier and i gotta say It looks just like a South Beverly Grill. It looks like a lot of these places that we go. It has a duo of dips. It has a world-famous coconut shrimp. Buffalo cauliflower even made the menu. A handful of delicious salads and bowls, filet mignon. They even have a birra taco. Okay, so Tommy Bahama has a birria taco. That's right, and they even have Strauss family organic soft serve in multiple flavors. You know the key lime pie is smacking. There's no way the key lime is smacking. My whole life growing up in Orange County, I worked at a mall called Fashion Island, OC Heads now, but it was where the rich people live and shop, and I was bussed in there like a basketball team from an inner city to go work at the mall.

I would drive by the Tommy Bahama restaurant all the time and be like, what kind of fucking douchebag dad would go to a restaurant from a company that makes deck chairs and shirts with fishing poles on them? But now it could be kind of the perfect disguise for people like us where we can go get a quality meal, a duo of dips, a birria taco without dealing with those types of people. You know what I mean? I didn't even mention the hurricane tots. But I probably wouldn't be partaking of those. Does that have hurricane sauce, or what makes it hurricane-y? I'll ask my server. I shouldn't be talking to a busboy. I do this every time. I would believe the sriracha aioli is probably what puts it over the edge. But I also wanted to just get your take on kind of how authentic do you think the jerk-spiced wings are? They're probably as authentic as the birria tacos. Okay, so you would probably avoid those two dishes. I even know that as an amateur. Well, I think the birria would be more... likely to be posiblemente autentico, whereas the jerk, I mean, you know, it's probably like Bobby Flay's jerk seasoning that they buy on Amazon or something. No, you're right. But I think, look, worse comes to worse, we could be bellying up to the Marlon Bar, and I will give a full report. I feel like this is something I should be doing with you. Well, as folks who dine for sport like us, F-O-L-X, this seems like... It's worth our while to at least kick the tires at the Marlin bar. No, we got to kick the tires at the Marlin bar. And just imagine how big the fake taxidermied Marlin will be in the foyer as Tommy greets you in person. No, this needed an 18-wheeler to get here. This wouldn't fit in the dually. Yeah, there's a Discovery Channel documentary about getting it in there. I mean, there are multiple locations. There's even a Palm Desert location, which is, you know, like 20 minutes from here. So it must be doing numbers. I mean, that's everything I can suspect. If Bay and I were there with you vacationing in Palm, you know, we would make the journey, the Bedouin journey to TB's. You'd be there for lunch. You couldn't even wait. Their happy hour program. Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to talk about also, you know, I don't listen to a lot of podcasts, but yesterday something popped up on my feed.

and it was Courtney Love on Marc Maron. Courtney Love, obviously, I'm a huge fan, and I think she's truly one of the best to ever do it, not only musically, but just as a celebrity. I think she's just lived a lot of life in a way that I find endearing. One of the last few living real rock stars. Exactly. And then a few people had recommended it to me, and I'm like, I'm obviously... not super into Marin, but then I realized that Courtney Love can railroad him and make this her own. And boy, was I right. I don't think I've ever heard experienced podcaster Mark Marin sighing in disbelief more times than I heard in that hour yesterday, where he just could not get a word in and you could feel the steam coming from his ears. Yeah, it was as if an unhoused person had stopped him in the Ralph's parking lot and was asking him a bunch of questions and he was like, Yeah, man. Yeah. But you, I mean, in his defense, you sent me like, oh, here, Maren was crazy today. I'm like, okay. And then I looked it up. I'm like, Courtney Love. I'm like, what's the deal? And I was skeptical for that very reason because she's sort of known for talking nonsense nonstop. And there are sort of glimmers of genius in there that you got to dig in and find those nuggets. But when I was listening to it this morning, when I was doing my fun little stretches, that episode fully restored my faith in the art of podcasting, the medium that I know and love. 100%. 100%. I mean, I just think that like the blessing of having, I don't know, someone with that many. And the thing is, even when she's rambling and it's kind of sounding manic and insane, it's like she'll mention four A-list celebrities' names in one story so that you can't kind of ignore it. And it runs the gamut from Edward Norton and Todd Haynes all the way to Lana Del Rey. It's really something. Her family and her being Ed Norton so rich, I never knew that.

You know what I mean? She does this thing where so many other celebs and podcasters will do where they try to, you know, they'll say like, oh, Marty Scorsese and Candy Bergen, and they'll do those little subtle things to let people know that you're on the inside and you know things to where somebody who is on the inside will be like, oh, damn, I really do know that shit. And she drops those really, really well, almost so well that Mark... either doesn't recognize him or is just like, I'm not even going to try to wrangle that one, that slippery pig that escaped from the pen. He lets it go. But the thing that I want to discuss most with you about this podcast, if you guys haven't listened, all jokes aside, I implore you to listen to this. I think it's really, really good. I could write a book about all the things that she mentioned. But she says, you know, I almost died. And Mark was like, oh, is that an 88? And she said, no, that was a couple months ago because I think I ate too much dairy. And I don't know if – and I don't – so I'm wondering if – obviously – But the real pillheads know about the dairy though. I think she might have been – yeah, exactly. I mean I think she might have been exaggerating, but I can't tell. But it was a very compelling – She said she got down to like 80 pounds or something like that, 90 pounds. Yeah, she said she – yeah, she did. I think she's constantly – I mean she's been sober for five years, which was an interesting part of the whole thing. And she lives – and the other thing that I found interesting was – and I didn't know this – was that – was that Francis Bean is, like, off the grid and was just like, you know what? Fuck this. Like, I don't need to do this anymore. Like, I never have to work. What was the word they said? They're no longer a member of the overworld or outer world? No, overculture is what her and Lana Del Rey, I believe. What's the name of my new coffee shop, you guys? Yeah, it feels like a coffee shop in Eagle Rock, but it also is a pretty succinct description of what they're talking about.

about like but you know what i mean like basically instead of saying famous you you know you're a member of the over culture but it was um yeah i didn't i didn't fully i knew her and lana were friends but i mean the way she was talking about lana like she was basically saying lana and kurt cobain are the only real ones i've ever dealt with yeah and she was like she's like bruce springsteen called me and was like yep she gets it yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean she's one of them i love but i do think that her her like The way that she talks about celebrities and the people that she's dealt with over the years and the stories about basically yelling at Brad Pitt for trying to get the rights to Kurt Cobain's life to produce the movie. The whole thing is just like... Also... low-key saying that he's gay yeah yeah she did low-key say that he was gay not even that low-key really but i it doesn't seem like you know how brad feels about his sexuality yeah yeah but all the stuff yeah i mean just like it was you know everybody every name you could ever you know it's it's it's gus van zandt it's kurt cobain it's la del rey it's ever nor it's everyone it's it's really it's really well i got i got one question for you then sure she went on there sort of you know the same reason why most people go on there is to plug something and she's new record new record and she's talking about it as any songwriter should is like this shit is fucking legendary i did it here comes another classic do you think it really is gonna deliver i think she probably i think i want to believe the guy that she the guy that she's working with that she kept mentioning is you know he's like a ronson world kind of like he did shallow like that kind of shit um I don't know, man. I mean, I think it's very hard to capture lightning in the bottle after 25 years. But also, if anyone could do it, it would be her. And I think it's smart. I think it is going to be interesting, though, because I think traditionally, you know, she was like in a band. You know what I mean? And so I think working as almost like a solo artist with musicians is probably like a different process, obviously. But that could, you know, yield incredible results or it could be absolute dog shit. We'll never know.

That being said, JD, her manager, who I've known for years, is definitely going to get a call from me. Because it's like, where's Pete Wentz? Where's Courtney Love? Like, what are we doing? You know what I mean? I know you and Mark came up together in the local comedy clubs of New York, but I've put in some time, too. Yeah, JD, you say? JD, yeah. JD, if you're listening. Jonathan Daniel, we love you so much. I mean, I'll suck your dick, bro. Bro, I'll suck your dick if you let us have Courtney Love on this podcast. We love you. Let us take a crack at it. Courtney Love is Nolan Ryan. She's throwing nothing but heat. I say at least let me get a dinger off of her. Look, I'll literally mute my microphone. I don't need to say anything. I'll just let her talk at me for one full hour, and that's all I need. We don't even need to participate. Yeah, the episode's done when I finish. Exactly, exactly, yeah. We do have a guest today, someone who I'm quite excited about. stand-up at Susan Alexandra's fashion show a while back, and it was by far the best joke of the night, and it really made me chuckle. Robbie Hoffman is a Canadian writer, comedian, and talk show host, born in Brooklyn, actually, but came to prominence in the beautiful shithole of Montreal, Canada. But she lives in New York now? She might live in L.A., I'm not sure, but I follow her on Instagram, and I can't wait to get into this. Because of the winter weather, her flight got canceled in Portland after a stand-up set, and she said fucking took a 25-hour train from Portland to L.A. and just kind of documented the whole thing on her instagram stories which i thought was like as people who do things to talk about them on the show i feel like she was kind of in the same boat in that instance of kind of like you know what like this will be funny fuck it i'm just gonna do it i want to get home time to go make some content exactly exactly but yeah she's very very funny and uh i can't i can't wait to hear what she has going on

All right, and I also cannot wait to hear what she has going on. Her Twitter is a goldmine of funny shit, and I was not there to see her stand upset, but you and my partner were both there. Well, I mean, I've talked about this joke before, I think, on this podcast. It was an eight-minute joke just about abortion that made everyone extremely uncomfortable. um in this in this room as you can imagine but it delivered on the promise which is all you can ask for from a from a joke the best kind of jokes bro all right let's give her a jingle this episode of how long gone is brought to you by squarespace obviously jason you and i spend a lot of time on the worldwide web so to all our peers our listeners our friends our colleagues obviously maybe even your parents if they're freaky um and if you're doing anything in the world writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly, a website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools. So those future graduates can find me and, you know, I'm able to accept, quote unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new, you know, 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. You know, show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early and we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional. as your competition, if not more. So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke.

I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a Tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because Taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs, handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it. in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code HowLongTaskersBookUp. faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code HowLong with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts.

Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. She's got a little bit of a Kurt Cobain fit going on. Okay. Okay. Alive and well, though. The difference. That's a major difference. Rest in peace. It's a big difference. What's going on, fellas? Where are you? I have... No clue what this is, what we're doing, zero. Okay, podcasting, it's like a radio show, but on the internet. Thanks, Dad. Okay, where are you guys? I'm actually in Palm Springs right now, but Los Angeles, and Jason's also in Los Angeles. All right, very nice, same. Glendale, where you live at, Robbie? Echo Park. Okay. Not far. Not far at all. I've been five years here. Do you feel naturalized? I don't know. I don't know. I like that question. Do you feel naturalized? I feel, you know, I'm alive. I live here. I feel what I can feel. Okay, yeah, that's fair. I mean, I think that the, I just took to LA very easily, I think, whereas some people, the adjustment from New York can be challenging for many reasons. I like New York. I mean, I like LA. I like New York. I mean, they're both dumps. You know, if I didn't do this, maybe I would investigate what's up in Montana or I hear about these beautiful states. But they're both shitholes. I hate the dynamic of what's better New Yorker, the dumps. And there's nobody good there.

Yeah, every city is ruined. LA was the only city that maybe wasn't good to begin with, but New York for sure got ruined. I agree with you that every city has gotten ruined. As they add more modern conveniences for people like me, it ruins the city, but I also feel more comfortable. LA may have always been bad, though. I agree. It's getting better. LA is the one city I feel like it's getting better with time. New York, for instance, is way worse, and there's a million cities that I don't even think about. What about Portland? Horrendous. I mean, I've never been, actually, but I agree based on what I've seen. I just got back from there. It took me 30 hours on a train because they closed down after half an inch of snow, so no flights going out. I was 30 hours on the train. I'm lucky to be alive. I mean, I love Portland, and I like the audiences there for stand-up, but your city's a dump. You've got nothing doing. There's still the whites wearing dreads over there, and the KKK started there. It's like, what are we talking about, Portland? It is interesting that the KKK gets billed as like a southern thing, but it's a northwest thing. Started and found it in Portland, I believe. That says a lot. You're not talking about Nike. You're talking about the actual KKK. Oh, you bet. Not Eugene. Beaverton. Beaverton. Which is a whole other thing, isn't it? Yeah, they got kids working the factory there. I mean, Portland is a dump. So I want to know, we were sort of talking about your journey from Portland back to L.A. beforehand. Chris said you sort of documented it on Instagram, but... I would like you to do a little bit of a dump, a venting of some key points of that journey. Please. Because we both love to travel as well. The floor is yours. First of all, I hate to travel. Okay? I do it for work. I'm not somebody. I grew up so poor. I didn't grow up with a traveling mindset. But I had friends. I went to a rich school, and all my friends in the summers would go backpacking to Europe and, you know, spend $6,000 to, you know.

I guess ski trip, rope around and, you know, try and do stuff, try and find themselves. And, and I always was like, I don't even understand the concept. Like, what are you in, you know, and suddenly I was behind, I found myself behind a shistuk stand in Turkey. Like I didn't really understand the concept of finding yourself. I moved out early, um, you know, and kind of just started living my life. But. It's funny because a lot of those friends who explored and traveled and did summers away, they're like, never left the town. They're doing a cookie cutter. They had all these spirits and whatever, but they only needed it for eight weeks. My whole life has been a journey. Damn right, brother. The other thing is, why can't you use a wheelie bag? They all bought fancy backpacks. It's like, you're hiking once. You did one hike. The rest of the time, you could have a wheelie around Italy, okay? You don't need to be selling this. The whole thing was a scam. But I don't like to travel because it's not something I ever thought really possible. And now that I do it a lot, not much. I don't need to see poor. I don't need to see poor in other countries. It does nothing for me to consume poverty. I left it. I don't like it anymore. I don't like poor people. I want nothing to do with wherever I can. I'm done. I'm done. I don't want to take a picture of a poor child. It's triggering. I'm right back there. I have no interest. I'm not going to some of these countries people are going to. So I don't love to travel. That said, I travel a tremendous amount. I love to work. So work is great. You know, it's better. This was a particularly traumatic. This is I've never had a travel trip like this. It's supposed to go to Portland two hours away from Los Angeles. I have obviously booked the world's worst flight, 6.50 a.m. What airline was this, Robbie? Let's call him. Let's call him out by name. I wanted to make sure that was kind of American. You are a Delta member, though, right? Okay, so I'm a brand-new Delta Sky Miles member. Welcome. Yes, the flight there was Delta, and the flight back was American. I don't know why they spit it up. But in any event, I get to the airport. I check into the Delta Lounge the first time. It's too crowded, and they're really letting the riffraff in. But anyway, I get a free bagel because I have to get something. But at 6 in the morning, people are drinking. People are unwell.

I get an orange juice and a bagel. I'm on my way. I feel a huge amount of pain. I take an Advil before the flight. Flight two hours, nothing. I land in Portland. My tooth is excruciating. I'm like, I need to see a dentist immediately. Do not pass go. Quickly, hold on. Was there any semblance of this pain before or this hit you at the airport? Yeah, like over the week, I've been sensitive, but I've always had sensitive teeth. Like I'm just sensitive to everything. I'm an anxious neurotic person. Like I can feel more than most. Like most people can just, you know, not feel things that I feel. I'm sensitive to the cold. hot, you know, too hot, you know, I'm using sensitive. A little, a little tooth pain is nothing new for you. Yeah. It's just, I have sensitive teeth and there's nothing wrong. Like he's just like, it's fine. I want to, I want to say though, you from, from what I can tell, the teeth are looking good. I have beautiful teeth. This is not the issue. We are talking about a genetic issue. What happens is I go to him. Okay. And I find this amazing doctor shout out. And I tagged the wrong thing too. Timber Dental in Portland. They have one somewhere else. Timber Dental in Portland. Dr. Leo. Timber Dental. And the hygienist, the great gay guy, which I don't say often, Stefan. He was unbelievable. You know I don't care. Stefan was unbelievable. You're telling me that your dental hygienist was a gay man named Stefan. You better believe it. And he let me squeeze his hand, and he said, it's always the little ones who squeeze the hardest. You better believe it. That is textbook Stefan. Yeah. So, you know, Dr. Leo looks at me and he goes, your nerve has been, you have sensitive teeth. Nothing wrong. Doesn't mean anything different. It's just genetic how people are. Let's take this nerve out because it's inflamed just from pushing. It's going to only get worse. It'll come back and let's do a root canal. Let's get rid of this nerve that could bother you off and on for years.

You know, it's nothing to do with brushing or flossing because I've had cavities before. Half my family has, my little sister never had a cavity her whole life. Beautiful teeth. Me and my other sister, I like, there could be a calamity. I never know what's going to be. And it's all genetic is the problem. Because, of course, we're the ones brushing, washing the most. My sister doesn't give a fuck to go to sleep with her makeup on. She doesn't give a fuck. I got a flop. You know what I mean? And she doesn't have sensitive teeth. She's eating ice water. You know, she's chewing on chips. Sure. Ice chips. Yeah. She doesn't give a fuck. She's crunching. But me and my other sister were always like, uh-oh, I can't have, I can't eat that. That's not even a prayer. You know, I was like, well, I got to work tonight. I'm doing an hour tonight. You know, and it's always the classic, like you have everything in your mouth. They're like, tell us a joke. Oh, you're a comedian? Tell me a joke. Right, right. So I was like, am I going to be able to feel my mouth? by tonight and he was like it's going to be really tight let's just go now and this guy literally they put a weighted blanket on me like they were unbelievable they gave me a squeeze toy after because he at first i was squeezing stephan's hand to put the needle in to freeze me which was horrendous horrendous like needle needle into the gums into the gums yeah it's terrible it's terrible it's one of the worst pains i've ever tooth pain i hadn't experienced that until like I was like 38 years old. Right. It took me to my knees. It was the worst thing I've ever felt. So needle in the gums. Bad needle. Yeah. Um, and anyway, I feel like retelling dental stories is like retelling dreams. Like nobody really cares, but I have to get through it. So we're almost done this part. No, no, I like this. Um, they put Netflix, you know, they had the TV on the, which every dentist take notes. It's on. acceptable 2022 going into 2023 to not have a tv on the ceiling sorry sorry this is this is basic prerequisite now to open your practice okay add another thousand dollars to your insurance i don't care what it is so i start watching this netflix cat doc

They bring me the prices. Oh, so I don't know. You know, you go into the dentist. It could be $2,000 going, you know. It's a fun surprise. It's a little, it's a gamble. You don't know. So I'm thinking, okay, it's two grand. What can happen? Merry Christmas to me that you own, you know, Christmas. But he comes back with the papers and it was $101, my insurance. You never know when your insurance is good to you or not. Do you have the SAG insurance? Yeah, I have really good insurance. It must be nice. Yeah, it is nice. It is nice. But it's not always nice. They kicked us off in the pandemic. They said, you're all on your own. I'm like, what? They, like, wouldn't give us insurance. So then I was on some, like, roadside assistance level of insurance. Triple A? Triple A insurance? It was triple A. Like, if you're, like, they'll bring you a new battery for the car. That's the insurance I have. They'll trim your fingernails. That's about it. But then after the pandemic, we all got back on this. So when he said 101, I said, Doc, you do whatever the hell it is you need to do. 101? It sounds like he was looking for a tip that's so cheap. Yeah, it's unreal. I mean, he got probably $2,500. He's laughing all the way to the bank. He was so proud of me. He said with the amount of anesthesia that he put in me, he was surprised how frozen I was. But then on the other side. Because I'm so sensitive to things, it also wasn't surprising because I'm sensitive to medication. I need, like, the least dose for everything. If I take one Advil, that's like somebody taking two or three. Really? Yeah. I never need, like, a lot of the things. I'm a cheap date. Not that women are even paying for me. I play the boy. It's a nightmare. But, you know. So I do the root canal five hours later, like literally an hour before my show was when I regained. I was like this until like just go time. You're in a palsy. Yeah, exactly. And you said you were doing an hour? Yeah, I was doing an hour. I was at the Mississippi Studios venue. Shout out to them. They were amazing. So my opener threatened to cancel because of a little bit of ice. Everybody's gay now. It is what it is. So I asked the tech guy if he'll open for me.

And they ended up splitting sometimes. Did this cause a, is this a usual opener or is this a local talent that was. Shout out to Simon Gibson. I love him to death. But he was like, there's a little ice. I'm like, I'm from, I grew up half my life in Montreal. I'm like, what? So when you say a little ice, you mean on the road, doesn't want to drive over there. Yeah. The snow and the ice, you know, and I'm used to like in Montreal, they'll. send you out of the country on an icicle of a plane. They don't care. You're seeing huge shards of ice throw off a plane. When you leave Montreal, it's like you're hearing crashings, massive car-sized pieces of ice flying off of a plane, and they just launch you out of there. When a plane's like this, because one ice went out, the other one didn't, they shake it off, and then you're off. Not like these cucks in Portland. Do the show. We sold really well, but only half. But I was thinking nobody was going to come. Like we literally every other show was canceled. Every restaurant was closed, like crazy shutdowns for this amount of snow. But the dykes came out. We were prepared. You know the dykes. They live in the Blundstones. They're built for this. It's no problem for us. We have the snow tires in the garage. The chains are already on the tires. So what percentage of your total audience is usually that demographic, would you say? Well, in Portland, most people are lesbians. So it is a queer city. I would say not often. I'm kind of like the Candace Owens of the queer community. I don't know how representative I am in terms of the talking points. But in Portland, even if you, 90% of your audience would be lesbian. It just is what it is. So then I did another show that night. And then I jumped onto the show at the Fun House, which is a venue that I love. And then in the morning, I was like, you know what? I'll see you in the morning. The snow's already melting. I wake up at 8. Every flight canceled.

Not open until Monday, which is three days later. Until after Christmas. Not only are flights canceled today, there's no snow on the ground. Not open for three days. Cannot get it together for three days. Then I thought I was going to get a flight out of Eugene. I decide to Uber to Eugene. I pay $180 to get there. This guy Carl picks me up from his profile picture on the Uber app. He looked like my sister was like, share your location. We're tracking this. Don't worry. And he turned out to be literal Santa Claus, you know, literal natural white beard. Really? Which, you know, not fake. You tugged on it and everything. He had the hat on. He had the outfit on. He had those Christmas carols. I slept like a baby all the way to Eugene. He was lovely. Said Merry Christmas to Santa. We took a picture. And then I got off at Eugene. No flights leaving from Eugene now. And I think this is planes, trains, automobiles. Then I get to the Amtrak is sold out, okay, the train. So I'd buy Greyhound Ticket. I need to ask a quick question. Now, you don't celebrate Christmas. Was there something? Did you just want to get home? Because I would have just been like, fuck it, I'm staying in the hotel for three days, and I'll figure it out on Monday. First of all, the hotel was okay, and they were nice, but okay. And their definition of heating is? you know, second of all, the girl that I'm dating does do Christmas and she had a million trees for me, a presence for me under the tree. I only have one present. I'm like, you're not getting, you get one present. I don't even do this. But I had to get the present under the tree, so we were doing that. So there was some pressure. So you're living just like Jason and I. There's pressure from your chick to participate in the holidays. Oh, yeah. You've got to get home to your main squeeze. Yeah, she's making duck for Christmas. She's doing all kinds. Oh, wow. Okay, okay. She went to cookbook and did the whole thing. Yeah, she's an incredible – shout out to cookbook. Yes, she did an incredible meal. So you had to spend whatever you had to spend to get home, or this could have caused issues. Oh, I'm up.

800 now. I'm easily up, you know, first of all. But I'm in my head already thinking I saved on the dental emergency. That's a good point. He could have done 3,000. We just say, well, what can you do? You can't live with me. Yeah, yeah. So 101, I'm like. You know, I'm like Scrooge Magoo over here. I'm like, all right, 200 for another Greyhound bus ticket. You're peeling 20s for everyone. Yeah, I bought two Greyhound bus tickets at two different times in case one canceled. That's $400, okay? I bought the 180, let's tally it, the 180 Uber. I tipped them 20, which I don't know. I just tipped the thing, 20%. That ain't bad. And so 200 some for the Uber in the end. Then the flight was 187 back. I lost that. I'm going to call them. Believe me, we're getting every penny back. And then the Amtrak was open again. I guess it was so late that they had so many cancellations. So I got on the Amtrak. Now, the Amtrak takes longer than the bus, but the bus, you have a 50% chance of survival. Yeah, no, no. Have you taken an Amtrak for that sort of distance before? Without being a drug mule, just natural? No, are you talking about Greyhound or Amtrak? Greyhound. Greyhound. Yeah, no, Greyhound I've taken. In my younger, poorer years, I took a Greyhound from Toronto to Boston, nine hours. I'm not going to be alive. Okay. And they had that infamous beheading on a Canadian Greyhound. Yeah, I remember that. So I buy the Amtrak. It's supposed to come at 5 p.m., seven hours later. The Amtrak shows up. I'm in the Amtrak station. There's nothing around the Amtrak station. I bought the last jerky out of the vending machine. Okay, so you got seven hours to kill in a desolate Amtrak station. Were you indoors at least? It was indoors. Okay, okay. Quote, unquote, indoors. There was a crazy lady there because where isn't there a crazy lady at the Amtrak?

Um, who was, you know, at first she just like a look like a regular Portland dyke. Like you could get away with it. Like not necessarily, you know, homeless or anything, but just like she had like an asymmetric haircut. Like I've seen this bitch before, but no, she was on some shit. So she starts going off. Listen up. My name is Tracy. If any of you, I'm like, okay, people are trying to talk to her. I'm like, not me. I'm going outside. I don't de-escalate any type of a situation. Do you, are you on any substances? Are you, are you just, you're gone off the jerky and that's all you got? Yeah, I don't do substances. So I'm just sitting there. I'm refilling my water from the water fountain there. That's, you know, the AIDS fountain, whatever they're calling it at Amtrak. And I got, you know, and I got whatever snacks is in one vending machine and I don't even really like chips. So I'm like, I'll get the jerky. What did I get? I got, yeah, I had to get baked glaze by the end of it. And I got a pack of gum. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants baked glaze. That's dire. Yeah. So we finally somehow boarded at 1130-ish, seven hours late. And I get my own seats, thank God. And everybody did. They kept saying it was sold out. It was like, I would say 20% capacity. But they were like, make room, next stop, Sacramento. A lot of people come on in Sacramento. Don't be surprised. Somebody sits next to you. I'm like, looking at my train, there's four people on the entire car. I'm like, how many people from Sacramento? And even so, I start to spread my shit out. I'm sitting here, okay? I put a wrapper on the seat, just make it look gross. It's shit I'm still eating, but I'm just like, you know. And I start to fall asleep. Oh, so I meet this train buddy, this woman in the train station. She's 22 years old. Trans woman. Okay. We get to talking about queer shit and whatever. She's lucky to be alive where she comes from, okay? Okay. She was the first person. She's only 22. Lovely. She was like one of these tech gamers, you know, at 22. She's like, oh, look, just as easy. I'm like, I don't know what to press.

It's not easy for me, this video game. I don't know what to pass. It's going too fast. The guy is coming at me. Not for me. You just play your video game. But she lets me know she's epileptic. I'm like, oh, great. So she said, not to worry you, but if ever there's... I'm like, here I am on epileptic watch. Okay? And this girl, she's so sweet. She's like, when that girl, Tracy, was going crazy, being like, I will kill anyone who looks at me. She was like, I'm going to go talk to her. I'm like, no, you're not. See, this is why trans people get killed, because you go out of your way to do it. Okay? You're not. Why would you go? Why would me or you go? Of all the people to go, why would you go? And they're going to say they're killing trans people, and I'm going to say, I saw this bitch get up herself. And I don't want to have to bring, I don't want to support the other. If you look like a linebacker, that's one thing. That's it. Because, you know, we're not in any position. So I have her sit down. I said, you can pick epilepsy or talking to her. You get two choices. I'm out. I'm not blinking. Not both. I'm not going to associate with you if you get me involved with this bitch. I can't for my safety. You're on your own. So she gets on. We're both sitting. She's a few seats ahead of me. She's all spread out. I'm like, you know, she was fine. She had one seizure on this. She has a seizure a day. As a treat. She wants, but it's like 20 seconds and she's basically just in the, I said, you're not to go to the bathroom. Okay. Just you sit here and when you're having a seizure, you're already down. There's nothing to do. So she was fine. She had one seizure. I got a text from her like, Hey, I think I'm waking up from the seizure. She's a little confused for two minutes and she's fine. I said, just sit down and go to sleep. And I'm the worst person to watch. I'm like, if I have to do an EpiPen, I mean, I'm incapable again. Yeah. I wake, I go to sleep. I got to say, I got like six, seven hours, which I'm in like an eight-hour sleeper, but on an Amtrak. That's good. That's good. We'll take it. I woke up at like 6.58, which I never wake up that early because obviously as a comedian, we work nights. I love saying we work nights and people assume I do security. But I woke up and it was just so stunning and beautiful.

You know, we were going through national parks and really, really. Big Sur or something like that. We went through everything. Yeah, I didn't really ever pay attention to where the hell we were. I just looked out the window. How often do you get off or do you not get off at all? You barely get off. I think I got off once or twice. Most of the stops are very quick. They launch a couple more people onto the train and then you're off. But sometimes you have 15 minutes, but there's nothing. You're just. Like, again, there's nothing to do. Sure, sure. There was a little deli cart on the train. There was also like a lookout cart. What does that sound? Is that me? No, no, no. My girlfriend is making a smoothie. Ignore the blender. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. It's a whole thing. So, yeah, it was really nice. 30 hours was too long for sure. And then my friend got off. She shared a very terrifying. She does like digital drawings, which I don't consider real drawings, but they are, I guess. So she comes to me and she's like, I made this before I leave. Like I made this image of you. You know, I made this picture of you, portrait of you. And I'm like, I was literally shaken to my core. I think you saw it, but I'll bring it up here. I was like, I did. I think I did see this. Okay, truly the world's scariest. Okay, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like a Babadook situation going on there. Yeah, it's a little bit honestly Kenny from South Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It isn't totally inaccurate for me. Were you wearing a hood? It wasn't totally off. Oh, yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay. Now that we see the source image, it makes a little more sense. I will say that. It definitely tracks. Do you think you're going to stay in touch? I don't stay in touch. Really? Okay. When you, when you meet people like this and how much of your personal life do you reveal to them? Do you, are you like, Oh, here's my, okay. So they don't have the ability to look you up on YouTube and find you on Instagram. She looked me up anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She looked me up against the film and she looked me up and then told me about her drawing and, you know, writing. That's sweet. Listen, she, she, so I told her she better shut up.

And go work at Google and do whatever the hell she wants to do. She's a genius, like literally. Yeah, that's good advice. She had to quit school because she was, you know, at her level, she's been building computers and software since four. She's 22. She's born in 2000. And she's going to some community college where they don't know what's like. She's going for a computer, you know, she went for a computer, whatever it's called, engineering. She should be teaching the course, not taking it. Yeah, it's like, you can't take that, like, she can't be in school. It's like, you just need, they don't care about Google if you've gone to school. Just knock, knock. And they'll let you do whatever the fuck it is you want to do. All your weird shit you're trying to pitch to me that I don't care about, they care about. So go to them and do it. You walk your blue-haired ass in there and do it. That's it. I finally pulled in close to three. in the morning, and it felt like a hero's journey home, everybody getting home. My girl was waiting for me, sleeping in her car. She thought I was coming in at 1 a.m. because they kept delaying it. No, no, no. No one in my life would do that for me, and I would not do that for anyone in my life. I want to let you know that. That's something very special. Yeah, she's unreal. She's definitely, yeah. So you get dropped off Union Station downtown? Is that where I was? Yeah, she picks me up. We swing by my house, which is very close, right? And I grabbed the gift I have for her, which I didn't even get to wrap. I thought I would be home two days earlier than I was. And I wrapped it at her house, and I put her under the tree, and it was just awesome. We woke up to Christmas, and then she made like a five-star meal for me and my family, and it was unreal. What did you get her for Christmas? Yeah, which iPhone did you get her for Christmas? Oh, I didn't get her an iPhone. I'm joking. Oh, she wouldn't care. No, I got her the Skims pajama set. Okay. Is that good? That's very good. She likes Skims. I know Skims, but they make a looser-fitting pajama. Is that what it is? They make really soft leisure wear. Got it. It's pajama. Which color did you go with? Because they're known for their muted. I went with black.

Oh, no, I got her black. That's smart. She's like into sexy colors and she keeps it. What, what colors would you classify as sexy? I just want to, well, not the orange. Yeah. Like she's like, yeah, she's somebody who likes to wear like a little black dress or something. She keeps it pretty. An LBD. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So Robbie, I say, I feel like your, your gift of storytelling is really, it's otherworldly. You tell a story like you're 100 years old, which is a rare thing to see nowadays. It's beautiful. I feel like you could really sell something to anyone. Have you ever done any sales work before? I mean, my whole family, we're all in sales. First of all, I sold some things myself. Stay tuned, television screen scenario. We're talking about scripts. Yes, before that, I worked in a very sketchy, I mean, I worked in high-interest loans. I was selling some really dicey financial products. Over the phone? Over the phone, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any guilt after doing that? Zero. Zero. As a poor, I don't give myself, you know, I always, even though, you know, it's interesting being in a different kind of socioeconomic class now, but you always feel how you grew up, I feel like. I don't have guilt about money things ever like that. Like for me, I'm just like, Like, I don't even at this point, I've become almost Republican money wise, where I'm just trying to, like, stash as much as possible, share it with no one, because the government is just, you know, they can't cut it together to disperse it properly. We were poor. We never saw a dollar. So, you know, just get what you can. And I help how I want, you know, my. I don't give to charities. They're all scams, and they're all paying themselves. I'll literally give a guy on the corner, if I have a 50 on me, I'll give him 50. I just give cash. That's what everyone wants. I see the guy. It's me. It's you. That's it. You remember this face, motherfucker. Yeah, or if they're not. Do you think you'll ever reach a financial level where you do feel like you can't...

talk about poor people that way or like no i can always talk about poor people okay i agree yeah i can always talk about anything i'm drawing from natural you know from my own experience um you know coming from an empathetic point of view you know but yeah no financial guilt for no my financial crimes zero guilt because i was working for it was one of my first jobs i didn't really even know we were doing you know It was what it was. And I was speaking to people much richer than me. I was scamming rich people. You're punching up. Out of more money. So I never felt bad about it. Yeah, I feel like if you got me on the phone, you could get me to buy something that I didn't want to buy. Your style of talking pleases me. Thank you. I love to talk. And I think it's something that has gone out. You said something kind of poignant there. It's that I love the art of talk. You know, it's the reason I think, you know, it would be great if we had talk show hosts who knew how to talk. And we have some new ones coming, which are really, really good. But I think the revisiting, if you're going to have a talk show, it sounds so basic. know how to talk you know no teleprompter things like that so um i love the art of talk i love um having dinner parties and they used to you know in the old days put people next to each other who you would get along with him you know why don't you two sit together you know and i really still do that that happened to me recently at a wedding where it was a mix the the older people had requested mixed seating for this exact purpose and it really worked out well do you um do you has anyone ever said your your trump-like in the way that you talk you know what i've had my girl um but you know what that checks out to me both being kind i don't know if he's from brooklyn or yeah i think he's from queens i think yeah i think he's like queens yeah yeah he's from queens so yeah i you know what i i'm the trump of the lesbian community i don't mean that in a bad way you know he's a good talker that's all that's all he's got that's number one the difference is i'm not in politics you know it's so funny when people go after like

Like, I had a friend go, you know, Robbie, that's not true. This is what happened. I go, yeah, okay, I'm wrong. What am I, a journalist? Like, I talk shit. I talk out of my ass all the time. I'm not Anderson Cooper. I don't have to be factually accurate. Like, accurate. I'm not doing the news, but people will get mad at, like, I can't believe Sarah Silverman said this. I can't believe. It's like, they're clowns. Like, these aren't journalists. Like, literally, we're professionals. Like, they don't. We're just talking and saying what we want. Well, I think we're at a point where if you have any sort of platform, people expect you to be fact-checking like the New York Times, which is silly. No, we would never. Wait, what is this? I don't want any suggestions from my phone about my life. Like, I'm not sharing this photo. Anything traumatic or just a regular boring photo? No, I can't even see the photo. It says sharing... suggestion and an album name of sunday dinner i'm like what's like what am i doing here do you uh i was looking at your twitter earlier do you actually enjoy fasting no okay all jokes okay all jokes yeah it's like i had a bit you know in my special two years ago shout out my youtube special is now free on youtube um okay it was stuck in canada for a while so two years later when everybody's already watched it they found oh was this was this the one that was on my one of my favorite canadian services crave Yes. There we go. There we go. Check out the Crave Special. You know, I talk about pizza. I said, yeah, pizza, like, you know, people go nuts for pizza, grown-ups, and it's like, what am I, seven? Like, pizza's the last resort. I don't go crazy for them. I'm like, sure, I'll have a slice of pizza. I'm not like, pizza! Like, you know, grown-ups, like, I'm like, I like sushi. You ever have, you know, you ever have... Ethiopian milk. I'm not going crazy for pizza anymore. No, no. I talk about that a lot. People who form their entire life's identities around taco or pizza. It's ridiculous. But then I was out for pizza after a show with some buddies. They're like, I thought you don't like pizza. I'm like, I'm joking. People expect my jokes. They're like, don't you hate pizza? I'm like, I don't hate it.

fine but people really hold me people tend to do that that's a problem that yeah a lot of us encounter yeah when yeah they don't realize that it's funny yeah it's just making fun of people who like pizza everybody likes pizza because it's good but there's a level where you've taken it too far yeah it's like who i don't even i'm not even like i don't go crazy for food i like food it's like okay you're a foodie you like to eat who doesn't Like, I'm not, like, going crazy. We need something a little more specific. Yeah, I just, I don't know. I just don't care that much about the culture of, like, nostalgic foods. Chris discovered you at a stand-up comedy show with Susan Alexander at that show. Oh, that was a, yeah. That was the situation, but go on. I liked the joke. Which is rare, because it was the first time that Chris has ever maybe been to, like, you went to a one, a Z show. Yeah, I hate. I don't like stand-up. It doesn't do much for me. It's just not my thing. But he loved what you did so much that – I loved it. I hunted – I chased you down. I chased you down because I thought it was so funny. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I wasn't sure with this audience. Obviously, we had Ella Emhoff there. I was sitting next to Ella, actually. It seemed like that people didn't get it. Or maybe they didn't like it. What was your take? I think that people weren't expecting, like we had a, it was a fashion comedy show. I think it was really, really fun. But I think a lot of us are, you know, Susan picked her favorite comedians and we can be edgier or whatever. And I think this is more of a buttoned up fashion crowd. So I think they got it. I also think it was at 3 p.m. That's a good point. That's a good point. So people aren't really, so we had to, I took it kind of slow and steady. Some of us, that was the only difference. You know, it's like, It was new for Fashion Week to have a comedy show there, so I think it was really cool. You know, I stole everything I was wearing, so it is what it is. I think it's a good idea, but most people, I think, if you're doing a 3 p.m., doing five minutes for a comedy fashion show, you're going to keep it light. You're going to do jokes about fashion, but did you do something a little different than that? No, I talk about abortion. I don't, you know.

I'm a big believer that comedy should keep it light. So that's why I keep all the hot topics. I keep it light. Now that you say that, though, you're right. The pacing was slow and steady, which I think helped deliver on the promise. Yeah, I want to work on what I want to work on. At the time, I think I was working on this abortion material or whatever, which I'm not even a topical person, and my take on it is not a very PC-friendly take. obviously abortion is wrong and it's not right. You know, I'm kidding. No, I so don't give a shit that the big, you know, idea is that, you know, I give a woman till 10 to have an abortion. I don't care if regular people die, let alone many ones. Like a mother can kill her child at any age, as far as I'm concerned. I don't even, I wouldn't question anything. A mother's right to choose. A mother's right to choose. Yeah, literally. It's like Casey Anthony, fine. She drowned the bitch for a reason. Like you didn't have to put that kid to bed. Like we don't know. Who are you to judge? So that was a take. But I went slow and steady because I do know it's a button up. But I still also want to work on what I want to work on. So no, I didn't change my material to be fashion or whatever. I just brought them into my world a little bit. Was it a little – Chris was sort of explaining it. kind of like you go down a dark journey and there's a little kind of misdirection at the end where you bring them back is that something that you like to do often do you like to dig a hole and i don't know i guess i have no clue i have no clue i'm just saying again my thoughts and i love to express it funny that a lot of this ends up being funny and that people laugh because these are my to myself i have these thoughts there's no laugh yeah like it's just but everybody is dying at what i think So that becomes a joke, but it's literally no joke to me. I really don't care if a mother kills her nine-year-old. And that's why people pay money to see you, because a lot of people, not everyone thinks the same thoughts as you, but enough people do to be like, thank God this person's saying it, I don't feel that crazy. Right, yeah, I guess so. So it's really funny, because I think some comedians write a set-up joke, and I have so many set-up jokes in it, but they're not even...

They're literally just my take on the thing. Which is a sweet spot. That means you're a unique character and people want to just hear you talk. It's excellent. I love it. Enjoy it while you can. Do you think that you have a future in talk show hosting? Is that an ultimate? Dream or goal of yours? Sure. There's nothing I don't have a dream or goal about. So the biggest things you can notice, dreams are free, so I have them. I don't limit them. Okay. Whatever is free, I take a lot of at a buffet. I go a second plate. I can't even finish the first. I just enjoy to do what I can on the free market, which is so small. So whenever people dream, you know, if I could just do this, no. I want to do everything you could think of being successful and doing, I want to do. Have you thought about what platform or channel or what area that would – because you are a unique person in an ever-evolving world. Thank you. I think it will happen when it happens. I think they'll think – the channels will think and come to me. I really only think about the money. It's really the only motivator for me in doing anything that I do. Once you get that first kind of seven-figure check, where in L.A. are you going to buy your first home? First real home, you know. Not in this dump. I'm already looking to buy land outside of L.A. I love like the country. I love I don't like the desert with nothing's around. I like any I grew up East Coast. I like trees. I like lakes. So I'd like to get going on a cabin and country house. That's the way I grew up was that, you know, everybody kind of just went to, you know, really. Kind of shacks almost in the summer. So staying in California? Like Lake Arrowhead somewhere? Yeah, outside of there, away from the tourists, I'd go somewhere really remote. Because I do that now, even when I'm on writing deadlines and stuff like that. I love to get a house for a couple days. And I just really, when I don't have sand up a couple nights in a row, I really try and... and get out. But I think I'm the kind of person I'll probably rent in the city forever. I live in New York and LA forever. I'm happy to rent forever and buy property.

um and idyllic spots that i love are you gonna go like back to the land style and like have a four-wheeler and guns and stuff or is it yeah i'm gonna get a gun it's gonna be you know i'm gonna be the the king of my land um i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna have a hot tub and do all that i just i love that type you know i i love that i i like toggling between the country and the city You know, I'm not like full time going to be there. So it's not something that I need to invest a lot of time. I'm not going to Airbnb. I'm not being any type. I don't want to know one in my things when I'm not there. I don't care if I'm not there for six months. Nobody's going. OK, I just have that and I just rent here. I love my apartment that I'm renting. If something was normal to buy here. Sure. But the places are a dump. I don't know how to fix anything. I'm not handy. I got to call someone. Something happens at any point. I need to call a guy. Like I don't want to do here. I call my mom. I don't know what's up. Just come over. I'm not, I don't want to be the guy to do the things. Okay. And in LA, a lot of the houses are crumbling. And, um, yeah, I guess if we're talking billionaire, when that happens, hopefully I'm not in LA anymore at all. We, uh, we had BJ Novak on like maybe like six months ago. And he said for his rider, he goes to vegas and gets a room but you don't you said you don't really do any substances so that might not work out for you yeah i don't know that that's the right writer's room for me but um listen i wouldn't not do a substance i'll have a toke of weed and have sex with my girl it's very nice okay but i don't i don't um regularly you know i'm having tea now i wasn't sure if you were straight edge i know that you did the h2o bros podcast so i wasn't i'm not straight edge what does that mean people who don't do anything yeah I love to have a drink. I love to, but I don't, I don't, I don't abuse anything. I really do like a drink. When I say let's go for a drink, I enjoy that. But I don't go, I'm not, I don't like to abuse anything. And if I have like a toke of weed or something, it's, there's a reason or it's with my girl or something nice. Like I don't get fucked up.

I'm not 12, so I'm just not doing things like that. I mean, I don't know. I'm not attracted to that lifestyle. I don't even like how late stand-up is. You know, I wish the show was at 5 p.m. I could be home for 7, take a bath, and watch Jeopardy. But, you know, I'm out at night, but I don't stay out late after the show. These guys go out. No, I got a girl. I have friends. You be sad together. I'll leave. Yeah, so my relationship with it is I enjoy it, but I don't. That's beautiful. Were you like in high school in Montreal or were you there? Yes. Okay. I'm sure you partied then because there's nothing else to do in that shithole, to use your words. Montreal is gorgeous. No, Montreal is the biggest. You've probably only been. I've been countless times. That's worse of a dump than New York or LA, I have to say. I do love Montreal. I think it's gorgeous. It can be a shithole. No question. It is. Well, no, I'll say it's gorgeous. It's nice to look. I agree with you. We partied, but you know what? It's such a different, it's like when Americans like descend on Montreal and like drinking age 18, like we're already sipping on some fine wine. Yes. Yeah. We're just not going hard. Like it's interesting. It's like, yeah, you're smoking, you're having ciggies, you're having wine, but it's all like very natural, organic. the way you're doing it. You're not like getting fucked up. Like Americans come to university and they're like, ooh, let's pub crawl. We're like, what is going on? All these guys just came into the bar. You know, people are just a lot more, I've had like wild nights for sure, but I don't think, I've never been like a crazy party animal. I like to go out. My friends and I went out and it was about picking up and getting boys at the time. So I didn't give a fuck about, you know, but I, I, by the way, Had a great figure. I looked excellent back then. And I didn't care to talk to guys. So we would go up, you know, let's say we went out to some club and there's, you know, some fancy, I don't know, booth that people have bottles at. I would just walk up. My friends were all shy and I would walk up. I don't care about these fucking guys. I'd like, what are we drinking, fellas? And, you know, we would drink for free and we would leave. I never put out nothing. That's powerful. That's powerful. What are we drinking, fellas?

Yeah. Like Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. They get bottles they want. And my friends are like, you know, and I'm just there like having a good time with my friends. But I can't really do shots. Like when I did shots, I think I was 17. This was the one like we got. We did shots like for a camp reunion and I was just vomiting. I just could not do shots after that. I mean, I think you vomit. You never. I don't understand shots. I don't like to feel drunk. I like to feel like. a little like thin the blood a little and then i go to bed like i just i'm not i never go to the next thing like people go you know going out like people like let's go i never step two doesn't happen for me no i i don't want to go to the next thing i like to be at somebody's house having dinner having a glass of wine again i'm not going out to fucking rage I feel like you should be the person in L.A. who starts like a 5, 6 p.m. stand-up show. No, I don't like to organize stand-up shows. Just have me on your show. I'm not emailing. I'm not doing it. Do you want me to do it for you? No, but if you wanted to, I would do the show. Okay. I'll take it. Because I feel the same way. I mean, I like watching stand-up, but I don't want to do the, you know, we're hanging out here until 11.45 to watch Blah Biddy Blah Dude 15. I can't do it. No, it's brutal. Do you do stand-up? No, just a DJ. That's another nightlife profession, though. You know, I don't know music at all. I just stopped caring about music. Do you listen to Zero music? No, I listen. I like Linkin Park. I like Eminem. I like whatever I had. The classics. Yeah, for me, it's like... Eminem is your Dylan. I get it. I get it. Love him. Do you really listen to Eminem? What do you mean? He's the best-selling rapper of all time. Robbie, are you ever going to have children of any sort? No, hopefully. You know, maybe I'll buy, adopt, whatever they're calling it now. At some point, you know, some six-year-old wanders into the house. But, you know, if it's between me and my girl having kids, which my girl, she wants to, I always want, like, my baby. And I'm like, I'm not doing this to somebody else. We're obviously going with your baby. Because how do I even explain to some kid that I knew it would be this miserable being me, like, having to think?

All the things we think. And then I did it again. Like, I wouldn't do this to somebody else. It's over. The buck stops here. You know, my girlfriend's sweet. And, you know, I want a kid who likes to color. I don't want a kid who's going, Mal, what's this? I could be the youngest kid with Parkinson's, Mom. I'm telling you right now. For listeners at home, she's pointing at a mole on her hand, perhaps, that should be checked out. My pinky's shaking. Like, I was the kind of kid that I would ask. And my mother would be like, what's it got to do with you? Just shut up. I know. I feel the same way. But also, I feel like there's not a whole lot of people out in the world who are... kind of cut like you and i feel like there should be a little bit more of that in the future or else we're going to be in a dark Well, it's already the worst people having kids. You see these people. So it's never the good people having kids. You know, that's why it's always shocked me that they made it hard for lesbians to have kids or whatever because lesbian mothers, like, the kids would just be good. You know, but they make it hard for people. Why do you say that? Why do you say that? I just think, like, making it hard for gay people who want to have kids to have kids is so weird because you end up with a ton of people who didn't even want kids. I see. But you didn't let them afford. And then you have these kids. So it's just, yeah, I'm just getting what I can on this earth and leaving. I'm with you, Chief. But I think you're going to be raising thousands of people through your comedy for the rest of your life, though. Thank you. You know, I watched this series recently called Surviving Death on Netflix. I think it came out a couple years ago. But it's, for the first time, like a clinical look at afterlife experience. or near-death experiences, or reincarnation stories from children two and three years old. And basically, for the first time through this series, at least on camera, they took a clinical look into these phenomena, which science would demand us, no matter what the context, no matter what, if there's enough examples of something, even if anecdotal, science demands us to,

aggregate it and look into it. Okay. Because it's not just one kid saying he was reincarnated. He used to, you know, it's, it's now, you know, they have many stories. It's not just one person with a near death experience. So the big takeaway from the series, I think overall was that there's more than this, that this life, like some people, they did connect with others or whatever, whether you believe it or not, but there was this grand sense from the whole series. that there's more to this life. The bottom line is we don't know what's out there. We're probably part of something larger than us. And the material world, you know, this world disappears and there could be a greater world. My big takeaway from the whole thing, whether I believe or not, is the one common denominator with all these stories was that we knew that the physical world disappears, the material world disappears. And, you know, the whole big lesson of this whole thing was. know what's important now family love relationships because this goes away so do what's important in life know what's important know what's of value for real and live your life that way and my takeaway was if we know the material world disappears then let me have shit while i can have it like if i can see my grandfather potentially for forever there's only so much time i can drive a porsche for like there's only so much time i can have the watch out and i like things i like touching things so it's like For me, I'm like, let me amass. It made me more materialistic while I can be. I'm like, okay, so maybe I see my grandparents forever. So I have forever with them. I for sure can't drive this car is what you're telling me. You're only going to have about 78 years with this rollie. Yeah, exactly. Like, let me have the things I want. So I came away even more materialistic, which was like my... The afterlife says you have only so little time to make all this money and go to Erewhon. Literally. So I'm like, hello, let me... We got to get going.

Well, hopefully your appearance on How Long Gone will jumpstart that. We'll get going. Appreciate you. Robbie, thank you for taking the time to chat with us. We appreciate it. Thank you, Jason. Thank you, Chris. Appreciate you guys. Thank you. Anything you want to plug before we head out? Now, for nudes, you can follow me on Instagram at Robbie Hoffman for some pretty semi-viral tweets at IamRobbieHoffman on Twitter, and I'll share and post all this stuff. God bless you. Thanks, guys. Bye. We'll talk to you soon. Have a good one. Later. Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more. They want shady, I'm chopped liver. Well, if you want shady, this is what I'll give you. A little bit of weed, mixing some hard liquor, some vodka, that'll jumpstart my heart quicker than a shock. When I get shocked at the hospital by the doctor, when I'm not cooperating, when I'm rocking a table.